In case you haven’t heard, Gwyneth got married. It’s her second marriage but her first wedding, since she and Chris Martin eloped when she got pregnant (whoops!) with Apple. Though Gwyneth and her new husband Brad Falchuck (who?) are in their 40s, theirs was every bit the princess fairy tale wedding typical of girls in their 20s who post countdowns on Instagram with captions like “Can’t believe I get to marry my best friend!” You can take the girl out of the five different places Gwyneth claims to be from, but you can’t take the princess out of Hollywood royalty, or something like that.
Goop Recommendation: Gwyneth’s wedding is filed under “Work.” I repeat: GWYNETH’S FUCKING WEDDING IS FILED UNDER FUCKING “WORK.”
Cheaper Alternative: Gwyneth flew a chef 5,000 miles for Chile to cook her rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner menu was designed by one person and printed by another, a.k.a. every single detail was paid for with so much $$$, honey! Though clearly a lot of people worked hard on this wedding, for Gwyneth it was the opposite of work because instead of making money, she spent more on it than you or I will ever have in our lives. There’s too much to discuss here, but if you want to get married, go to city hall. Spend $600 on a dress (which will undoubtedly be prettier that Gwyneth’s boring Valentino Couture) and $400 on dinner afterward. The best part: you won’t have to invite your family or Robert Downey Jr.
Goop Recommendation: This Swiss hotel is so fancy I can’t even afford to read about it.
Cheaper Alternative: It’s not hard to avoid staying in a grand European hotel if you don’t have enough money to leave the state, much less go to Europe and burn your money in a luxury spa.
Goop Recommendation: This is exactly what it sounds like, a list of nontoxic products you can buy in French pharmacies, including this $40 eye makeup remover.
Cheaper Alternative: Honestly, I want all of these products and some aren’t that expensive. I especially want this bar shampoo and Rodin lip balm. My friend Molly has a Rodin lipstick that I recently fell in love with and am planning to buy if I ever I have an actual source of income. You don’t need, however, to spend $40 on eye makeup remover when coconut oil is cheap, totally nontoxic and works better than anything else.
Goop Recommendation: This series of articles includes a guide on which $100 leggings to wear for different workouts, including the Tracy Anderson Method.
Cheaper Alternative: Don’t do the Tracy Anderson Method. She’s a con artist who doesn’t allow women to lift weights heavier than three pounds because she doesn’t think we should have muscles. Instead, wear your oldest t-shirt and cheapest Gap leggings to a class with a name like Chisel or Diesel and get. fucking. shredded.
Goop Recommendation: This guide includes a lot of recipes for different vegetable side dishes.
Cheaper Alternative: I honestly wish my family’s Thanksgiving dinner included more vegetables, simply because I like them. But the words “healthy” and “Thanksgiving” do not go together so fuck off, Goop, and let us eat stuffing!
Goop Recommendation: This seems mostly like an excuse to convince women in their late-30s and 40s to subscribe to Goop’s fucking supplement service, particularly this $90 a month pack of pills called “Madame Ovary.”
Cheaper Alternative: I honestly didn’t read much of this because I was afraid it would convince me I’m in perimenopause even though I’m way too young. Still, no one should spend that much money on supplements. I take three-five supplements a day and even I think spending $90 a month on pills is insane!
Goop Recommendation: Goop’s new arrivals include this hideous $1,000 sweater.
Cheaper Alternative: Have good taste.