On average, I get one UTI per month. It’s painful, yes. It’s unpleasant, yes. It cuts into my sex life, yes. But is it all worth it so that Dr. Ali, licensed medical professional, will know that I’m a cool girl who fucks? 100% yes it is.
Dr. Ali is concerned when I roll in. “Madelein” she pleads “you need to start peeing immediately after sex. Your kidneys will thank you.” Wow, what a dweeb, I think, as I haphazardly toss my Doc Martens up on the table and throw back a Smirnoff hard ice. Yeah, I drink at the doctor’s office? What of it? I’m a cool girl. I’m not like other girls. I FUCK.
“It’s really just a matter of not letting someone cum in you more than three times in succession.” Dr Ali continues. Oh okay, LOSER. You were probably reading Harry Potter in high school, okay? Guess what I was doing? FUCKING. It’s wingardium cumiOsa not cumioSA, okay? Yeah, I smoke weed. Heard of me? While you were going to med school I was getting multiple UTIs from guys I met on tinder! Live a little!
I don’t know if Dr. Ali is impressed. Does she know I’m a cool girl? Maybe I need to spray paint the wall to really drive the point home? Is my backward baseball hat sending the right message? I don’t know. I’ll try again next month. Or maybe I should just learn to pee.