Hello. I’d like to be formally admitted to the Zeitgeist. I have a wide range of skills, experiences, and truly unique but somehow deeply relatable opinions that I could contribute to the Zeitgeist. I believe I fully represent the ‘spirit of the times’ (I Wikipedia-d it), and I know this because of how many times my girlfriends have said ‘OMG you’re so right!’ in regards to something I said at brunch. Let me enumerate the reasons I’m qualified to be part of the Zeitgeist.
I have a very Zeitgeist-y Twitter account. If you look at my Twitter, you’ll see I have nearly 10,000 followers. Yes, almost all of these followers were acquired by following and unfollowing people who liked tweets on more popular accounts, but that doesn’t mean they’re bots. I mean, I think they are mostly bots, but that’s not something you can prove! I mean, it is something you can prove, but would you put the effort in? Probably not. Anyway, I tweet approximately every 24 minutes with some really incisive thoughts about my generation, including but not limited to “Did you know you can be married and also on an improv team??” (12 likes, 1 RT), and “if you like me on Twitter, you’ll love me on Venmo” (4 likes, 0 RT). I tweet the type of thoughts and ideas that represent the spirit of my generation, and for this alone, I deserve admission to the Zeitgeist.
It’s not just the things I tweet – it’s how I live my life. I really look at my surroundings when I walk down the street. Not a lot of people do this, and it gives me a huge leg up in terms of knowing what’s going on culturally. For example, the other day I noticed that the subway was really crowded, and I thought, ‘wow, I bet people in my culture are complaining about that’. And they were! I have the type of observational skills that make me a perfect candidate for the Zeitgeist, because I just kinda know what’s going on in my surroundings. Yes, I do consider my iPhone to be part of my surroundings, because I don’t believe in arbitrary rules, or any rules.
I dress cool. This cannot be overstated. I started wearing high-waisted jeans at least 6 minutes before it was cool, and if you don’t believe me, ask any of the 170 strangers who’ve ever pointed out my camel toe. I also wore eyepatches well before they were cool, which I know for a fact, because no one has started wearing them yet.
I’m also regularly described as basic. Basic is a word that means ‘boring in a way that’s specific to women.’ In many ways, this is a contradiction, because if you’re boring in a specific way, are you even that boring? But maybe I’m too basic to make that point. Anyway, being basic means I really get what other boring women are up to, which means I kinda embody them. I read a Huffington Post article about how being part of today’s Zeitgeist means you live your life with purpose and mission, and my mission is to become part of the Zeitgeist, so I’m definitely part of it by circular logic and also square logic (square, as in boring, as in basic).
I believe I could bring a lot of new things into the Zeitgeist if I were to be admitted. This includes: adult acne, microwaved nachos, Trixie Belden books, and my mom. She’s cool!! Why is she not part of Zeitgeist yet? Other women about my age have been allowed into the Zeitgeist, and I don’t really think they’re better than me. Not to be a dick, but I could have written GIRLS (my parents also pay my rent). Also, was Pete and Ariana’s relationship really that special? I’ve been dumped a lot. Let me in goddammit!!
I’m sure you are extremely interested now in admitting me to the Zeitgeist. I am willing to work for as little as $47,000/year. I apologize if this application does not exhibit a comprehensive understanding of the term ‘Zeitgeist.’ Please contact me somewhere in Silver Lake, Los Angeles — the home of the Zeitgeist.