How To Talk to a Girl With Headphones Who’s Holding Your Family Hostage

photography of woman listening to music
Photo by bruce mars on
  1. Offer her money. Offer her all the money you have. Tell her “whatever you want, just take it.” Make it clear you’re willing to cooperate as long as she doesn’t hurt your wife Elizabeth and sweet, sweet children Max, 8, and David, 5.

  2. Ask her why she’s doing this. Why your family? What does she want with them? You’ve never seen this woman before in your life. How did she get into your condo?

  3. Ask her why she’s wearing headphones. Is she listening to music? Why is she not answering any of your questions? Can she even hear you?

  4. Speak louder.

  5. Show her pictures of you, Elizabeth, Max and David on vacation last summer. You went to Cape Cod and drove jet skis on Wequaquet Lake. Max sat on the back of yours and had the time of his life. God, he’s growing up so fast.

  6. You’re pretty much gonna have to yell at this point, it’s clear she can’t hear you.

  7. Tell her your brother-in-law’s a police sergeant. You know people. She’ll never get away with this, so she’d better let them go now, or you’re gonna drop the fucking hammer on her weak ass.

  8. Apologize for threatening her. You didn’t mean it, you were just scared. You’re really willing to cooperate and will do whatever she says. Again, she doesn’t answer, due to the headphones.

  9. Ask her why she just handed each family member a piece of paper with a number on it. Elizabeth is number 6, Max is number 30, David is number 2. What does this mean?

  10. Grab one of the pieces of paper and write “take off your headphones.” Maybe she’ll read it, take them off, and you’ll be able to have a real conversation about what’s happening.

  11. She looks at it and totally ignores you. This isn’t working.

  12. As she turns her back, attempt to grab the headphones off of her head. You didn’t put your contacts in yet so you’re depth perception is off. You totally miss. Still, she saw you try.

  13. This angers her.

  14. She takes a piece of paper, write down the number 1, and places it on the floor in front of you.

  15. You have been numbered.

  16. You ask her what it means.

  17. You ask her again. “What the hell does this mean? What does any of this mean?”

  18. You scream from the very core of your being, “PLEASE. JUST ANSWER ME. SAY SOMETHING. SAY ANYTHING.”

  19. Silence. She says nothing. This is hopeless. Life is chaos.

  20. Idk if that dsn’’t work u can try akdsing like where she gt her shoes or something loll

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