As a beauty blogger, I have often gotten angry comments about how the make-up and skincare products I use cost a lot of money. Many people think you need to be rich in order to follow the sort of beauty routines I write about. This is simply untrue. Any woman can torture herself to look hotter in photos, even if you are poor. All it takes is a bit of creativity! As a champion of this cause, I decided to provide some DIY beauty hacks for high-end treatments.

Fish Pedicure

A fish pedicure is a pedicure where you stick your feet in a tank full of fish and let them eat off all of your dead skin. It may sound unpleasant, but the trademark of any high-end beauty treatment is its potential to cause lasting trauma.

You can use regular old fish, such as the ones your roommate keeps in a tank in the living room. The important thing to know about this is that it will not work at all. Additionally, you should use caution when entering and exiting the tank, as fish are small, easy to step on, and not very durable. If you kill the fish it will be a whole thing.

Alternatively, you can try using betta fish, which are available at PetCo. Betta fish are famously aggressive and thus, ideally, more keen on eating your disgusting feet. My biggest tip here is that if and when the fish cannibalize each other, you must maintain your composure, lest you be asked to climb down from the fish tank and leave this PetCo immediately. 

Laser Therapy

Gwyneth Paltrow has often raved about Thermage, the treatment she does to keep her neck wrinkle-free. In layman’s terms, Thermage is a process in which you shoot lasers at your own face, producing a sort of Benjamin Button effect. Simple enough to replicate at home, right? 

I tried to build my own laser but had no luck, due to a societal failure to encourage women in STEM. Then I remembered that I used to date this guy Rick who runs a laser show at the planetarium. I showed up and explained my need to borrow some lasers to Benjamin Button my face. Rick declined. I showed him a couple hundred photos of Gwyneth Paltrow, using different angles to demonstrate the overall Benjamin Button quality of her skin, and Rick said, “Leave this planetarium.” I said, “Legally you cannot throw me out of this planetarium,” and I was thrown out of the planetarium and it was like PetCo all over again. 

I went home and tried to stick my face in my roommate’s laser printer. I recommend never doing this ever, especially if things between you and your roommate are still tense because you killed her fish.

Vaginal Steaming

Vaginal steaming is another wellness secret championed by the great Gwyneth Paltrow. It cleanses your whole uterus. You might think your uterus is just fine as is, but it’s like how you never think there’s any lint in your belly button until you really get in there.

To get your uterus to really shine, you will need a powerful steam source. I cannot tell you the best item to choose, but I can tell you the worst one, which is my roommate’s carpet steamer that left me unable to sit for three weeks.

Botox

Obviously, I’m not going to recommend that you give yourself injections. That would be insane! Take the safe approach by pulling your skin taut and using Gorilla Glue to hold it in place. Gorilla Glue is pretty overpriced, so just borrow some from your roommate without asking. Be sure to think up a good lie about where you got the glue. Later on, when you try to peel the glue off your face, you may accidentally peel off your skin along with it. Your roommate will have to drive you to the ER, and then she’ll be like, “Did you take my Gorilla Glue without asking?” and you’ll be like, “Uh, no, I found this Gorilla Glue on the street,” and the doctor will be like, “You need a skin graft.” 

Breast Lift

Did you know that Kim Kardashian sometimes uses duct tape to make her boobs look amazing? Well, she does, and now you can, too. In light of the Gorilla Glue incident, your roommate will probably have taken steps to hide all her belongings, so set aside a good half hour to look for the duct tape. Once you find it, this trick is so simple: just push your boobs up and fix them in place with duct tape! You are hot now!

These are just a few of the high-end beauty treatments you can replicate for yourself at home. Next week, we’ll go over DIY tanning, teeth whitening, and liposuction! Comment below with your favorite DIY tips, and remember: you don’t have to be wealthy to be beautiful, but it does help.

P.S. DM me if you’re looking for a roommate!