BROOKLYN, NY — The seasons have changed in New York, which means citizens across our city are suffering from ailments ranging from chest colds to head colds to allergies they keep insisting must be a cold. Many residents of the five boroughs are not only afflicted with these symptoms, but saddled with male partners who crumble when they experience so much as a slight sniffle. One woman reports she’s spent the past week trying to convince her boyfriend that the slight nasal drip and mild cough he’s experiencing aren’t a sign of a terminal illness.
“He doesn’t even have a bad cold,” says the woman. “But all week, it’s all I’ve been hearing about. ‘I don’t feel well. I think I’m really sick. I can’t move — can you get me a beer?’ I mean, even my six-year-old niece isn’t this much of a pussy when she gets sick.”
Other women echo her sentiment. Says one, “When my boyfriend gets sick, he acts like the world is ending. This spring he had a mild cold and didn’t get out of bed for a week.”
Says another, “When my husband gets, sick, I suddenly have a third child. I mean, I do have three children, but one’s a girl and she just turned 12 so she’s more mature than most adult men, including my husband when has a cough.”
“I gave my partner a cold once,” says one man. “He accused me of assault. A couple of months later, he gave me the flu and I accused him of attempted murder. It was a difficult time, but we both survived — and so did our relationship.”
We spoke to a Machismo Expert about why men are such babies about being sick. “What I’ve found is the more macho the man, the more he whines like a little bitch when he gets a cold,” says the expert. “It’s called the Man Pussy Phenomenon, not to be confused with the Pussy Man Phenomenon, which is when a man loves eating pussy, a.k.a. when he meets me LOL.
“The Man Pussy Phenomenon is when a big, strong, tough guy gets a sniffle and totally and completely loses his ability to function. We’re talking about construction workers who suddenly can’t lift a spoon, Wall Street traders who can’t find the motivation to get out of bed, total horndogs who can’t muster up the strength to jerk off. We think it’s actually connected to the male love of d.r.a.m.a. This phenomenon is, of course, most commonly found in Italian-American men.”
When we explained the Man Pussy Phenomenon to the woman, it seemed to make a lot of sense. “That’s exactly it,” she said. “My boyfriend loves d.r.a.m.a. In fact, every guy I’ve ever dated has been super dramatic. Meanwhile, women are stereotyped as the more dramatic gender, which is crazy, because you know what I do when I run into my boyfriend’s ex? I say, ‘Hi Stacy’ and move on. And you know what he did when he ran into my ex last week? He told him I was never sexually satisfied in that relationship, which is true but rude to say to someone at the grocery store.”
So, if your male partner is suffering from a seasonal illness, what can you do? “I keep telling him he’s going to be fine,” says the woman. “But if that doesn’t stop the whining, I leave the room. We live in a one-bedroom, but he’s too weak to follow me from one room to the other room. What a little bitch, right?”
A little bitch, indeed. One who will, most likely, be just fine by next week.