No, I Will Not Put The “SOUND ON” To Watch Your Instagram Story

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No, I will not be putting the “SOUND ON” to watch your Instagram story. How presumptuous of you to assume I’m just sitting around, at the ready, waiting for your Instagram story to have SOUND.
Who do you think I am? Some person watching your Instagram story with my headphones ALREADY plugged in? That would be convenient for your FASCIST direction that I have the “SOUND ON” to enjoy your content, wouldn’t it?
Well, I have NEWS for you. I don’t HAVE any headphones that I can plug into my phone! I lost those headphones I got for free that are compatible with the iPhone X two weeks after I got them and I am TOO CHEAP to buy more headphones that fit in this new headphone hole!
Oh, and did you think maybe I’d put the sound on WITHOUT my headphones plugged in? That makes sense, since you’re an OBVIOUS monster with little regard for the human condition. People who watch video on their phone with the sound on belong in the SEVENTH circle of hell. For REFERENCE, it’s rumored that raping pillager Attila the Hun is only in the sixth circle of hell.
Now, let me tell you a little something about INSTAGRAM, I only look at it in three places:
1. The bathroom at work, mostly while pooping, but also SOMETIMES during a leisurely pee!
2. In the backseat of a Lyft Line or an Uber Pool because I do NOT want to talk to other people who are as poor as me.
3. RIGHT before I masturbate next to my sleeping boyfriend around 11:30pm.
In which of these SITUATIONS do you think I would have my non-existent headphones plugged in, ready to watch your Instagram story that requires me to LISTEN to get the full experience of what you’re posting? If I wanted to LISTEN to social media content, I would go on YouTube dot com. And if it was 2014, I would go on VINE dot com (Rest in peace, Vine!). Instagram is for LOOKING, with my eyes, mostly while on the toilet, but also sometimes in cars and in my bed!
So, the next time your “adorable” little cousin utters the phrase “scissors” with a lisp, maybe put your phone away and ENJOY the experience, because I am not going to watch your Instagram story with the SOUND ON. And do NOT get me started on that Instagram story of your FRIEND doing stand up COMEDY. If I WANTED to experience stand up comedy, I would go to NETFLIX dot com and type in “STUFF THAT SUCKS.”

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