He Is Better Than You

photo of a couple hugging each other
Photo by Artem Bali on Pexels.com

He broke up with you, which means he’s better than you. That’s how it works — the one who does the leaving is the better one.

It’s also true of friendships — whoever moves away first is the better one. Just because Kelly’s only moving to Boston for grad school doesn’t mean she’s not better than you.

And at grocery stores, whoever gets out the door first is better. You see that line people stand in? That’s the line of self-worth. Actually, just general worth. Get to the store at 6am unless you want to be the worst one there.

Wow, did the 4 train stop at 14th street even though you need to get to Brooklyn? Sucks to suck, and sucks to have a train be better than you.

Do you remember the one night stand you had in college with Peter? And then Peter walked you out? But then his foot hit the floor outside his dorm room before yours did? He got out first – he’s better than you. Weird that he kept stalking you for 6 months when he’s so much better.

Shit, is Tim in your UberPool getting dropped off first? That’s weird — he didn’t seem better than you. He farted the whole time! I guess what they always say actually is true: Tim is better than you.

Your plate is empty but your stomach isn’t full? That mac’n’cheese is better than you – awkward!

Your cat died before you? Sorry, it must have been rough to go through your whole life knowing you cat is better than you.

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