We’ve all sat down on the immaculate blue subway seat in a frenzy and looked up to see the man of our dreams sitting across from us. What is it that makes him so sexy? Those beautiful brown eyes? A jawline so sharp it could slice open an avocado? Or just simply the fact that he hasn’t opened his mouth yet?
He takes out a thin moleskin notebook from his flannel pocket and begins to write- his phone number? A love note? Was that millisecond of eye contact enough to change our lives forever? God, he’s so sexy writing with those weathered manly hands. He has the kind of body you can’t help but objectify. But just as he’s dotting his last i, the subway doors open at Bedford Avenue, and if you don’t get out now you’ll miss that 3pm barre class at Equinox and post-workout mimosas with Stacy. You get off the train- another opportunity missed. Dating in New York is the worst- isn’t it?
What if? What if? What if?
Three stops later the cute guy on the subway is still writing in his little leather-bound notebook. The page reads: onions carrots jerky Monterey Jack bread tomatoes turkey hummus butter lettuce chips salsa hot queso Ben & Jerry’s toilet paper. Ah, Groceries. The subway doors open, he walks into Whole Foods and nonchalantly puts half of the ingredients into his backpack, and the other half into his grocery basket. A little trick he learned in college about how to grocery shop on a budget. Walk right out with the backpack on and only pay for the items in the basket. He was making enough money now helping out with his brother’s specialty cheese business to pay for all of his groceries, but old habits die hard. Besides – he didn’t feel an ounce of guilt.
But this particular day was different. It was the grocery store shoplifting to end all grocery store shoplifting. Someone had been watching him. He’ll pay for everything, he insisted, even the expensive organic dry aged grass fed beef jerky from a cow named Terry in upstate New York. But it was too little too late, the cute guy on the subway was dragged into the Whole Foods staff room in the basement, pleading and crying until they asked him to pay a fine and banished him from the fine trendy and organic natural food store forever.