11 Totally Worthwhile Incentives that Andrew Cuomo Used to Lure Amazon to NYC

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“Buried in the 32-page, $1.5 billion agreement between New York’s various economic development agencies and Amazon is a promise by the city to help the company secure rights to a helipad” –Huffington Post

Some say New York overpaid to get Amazon to come to Long Island City, but those people are idiots. Amazon is bringing with it 25,000 jobs, and of course, Cuomo had to make a few tiny and totally worthwhile concessions to make it happen. Here they are:

  1. Close every coffee shop in Queens and replace it with a Starbucks so that Jeff Bezos can feel more at home when he comes to “The Big Apple.”
  2. Change New York City’s nickname from “The Big Apple” to “The Big Benevolent Corporation that We All Love.” 
  3. Sacrifice Mayor Bill de Blasio.
  4. Make the subways free for Amazon employees and $6,735 per ride for everyone else.
  5. Name Jeff Bezos’ youngest son, nine-year-old Tommy Bezos, Mayor of New York City.
  6. Forbid local TV channels from broadcasting anything other than Sleepless in Seattle so that Jeff Bezos can feel even more at home when he visits “The Big Benevolent Corporation that We All Love.”
  7. Demolish the Queensbridge Houses, the nation’s largest public housing development, and replace it with the Creamsbridge Houses, the world’s largest Fro-Yo shop.
  8. Change his name from Andrew Cuomo to “Amazon Cuomo.”
  9. Cater to tech bros by providing tax incentives for them to start Dave Matthews Cover Bands.
  10. Allow Mayor and aspiring artist, Tommy Bezos to finger-paint all over Vincent van Gogh’s The Starry Night and several other masterpieces in the MoMA.
  11. Replace The Statue of Liberty with an equally tall tax-payer-funded statue of Jeff Bezos’ cat Mister Mittens.

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