The night I met Bradley Cooper was a whirlwind. I guess you could say the words “East Village,” “Mezcal,” and “Scratchy Beards” pretty much sum it up. I had been writing music for a while but I never thought anyone would discover it…much less the guy from the Hangover Parts 1-3. The night we met. I was performing covers of Edith Piaf (the only way I can truly relax on a Friday night) at a local bar that doesn’t pay me nor give me drink tickets, I do it because I enjoy it. I was in the middle of an incredible show when I saw a grizzled stranger in the back corner. He seemed so mysterious and hot. At first, I didn’t have any idea who he was, on behalf of the beard covering his entire face, but after a moment I realized… I’d know those baby blues anywhere. That was Bradley Cooper.
At first, I panicked. Why was he there? What did he want from me? Was he even there to see me? Or was he just there to get in my head and play with my emotions? After I finished my act I waited by the door to see if he would say anything. His eyes found me waiting and he began to saunter towards me. Different things flashed through my head of what to say until I finally settled on “Well hello there Mr. Cooper, come here often?” “No I don’t, do you?” he said. I knew what he really meant was, “Let’s get out of here.”
At this point I was beyond blacked out. I’m a heavy drinker but damn Bradley is hard to keep up with…especially when Mezcal is involved. The next thing I knew we were in a Walmart parking lot in the middle of nowhere. I don’t really know how we got here because we were also in the East Village? I really had to throw up, but instead I decided to tell Bradley about my secret passion for writing songs. I blurted out “Just in case you were wondering I write my own music!” He was impressed. “Well now that you’ve said that I think you may be a songwriter,” he said.
“But you haven’t even heard me!”
“Let’s change that.”
Before I knew it, I was standing in the Wal-Mart parking lot belting out a song I had made up on the spot. To this day I have no idea what the song was about. I think it must have been about swimming pools or maybe hot tubs. As soon as I looked into Bradley’s eyes we knew…the song I had written was a hit. We continued to work on the song until dawn. We worked in perfect harmony. He would write a line, then I would write a line, then I would sing the chorus and he would harmonize. I don’t need to explain basic songwriting to you but we were doing it and it was perfect. We were also doing tons of cocaine.
I woke up the next morning in a pool of my own vomit to the sound of someone slamming on a horn outside. How did I get home? What did I do last night? Why is my face bleeding from making out with Bradley Cooper’s beard? Oh my gosh I was with Bradley Cooper last night! I hope I got a picture. The horn outside was still blaring. “Wake up” my dad yelled from downstairs. “Bradley Cooper’s driver is here”. Fuck. Bradley Cooper’s driver was really at my house. I ran downstairs and to see what was up. The driver said he was under strict orders to take me to a concert that Bradley Cooper was playing. “But Bradley is an established actor…he doesn’t sing” I exclaimed. The driver said “Do you remember nothing from last night… he sure does sing and he’s damn good and you guys wrote a hit song, sister.” He demanded that I get in the car with him. “I can’t I have to be a caterer. Bye!” I explained. Catering is my second passion, first being singing Edith Piaf on Friday’s after I have already catered. I slammed the door.
I guess he followed me because the next thing I knew was I really didn’t want to take out the trash at work, and my boss was yelling at me, and I up and quit. At last, I was on a private plane heading to Bradley Cooper’s first ever concert.
The rest was a complete blur (most of this is a blur I’m an alcoholic). Suddenly I had on a backstage pass and was being pushed to the stage as Bradley Cooper vamped a guitar loudly. I didn’t know how he had so many fans at this concert when no one even knew he sang but damn if that’s not Bradley Cooper’s way….the man is full of surprises.
As soon as I was situated backstage I felt someone start to push me onto the stage. I heard Bradley saying to the crowd, “I’m gonna bring a friend up here and we’re gonna sing a song she wrote.” He ran back to grab me. “Come on … I’m doing it with or without you”. He pulled me onto the stage. I was in utter shock. Had I written a song? I had completely forgotten until just now. “But I don’t remember writing a song Bradley I was completely blackout and so were you!” He was shocked. “What? I was counting on you to remember it!” He was very angry. “You know what, maybe you recorded it on your iPhone recording app- I do that when I write songs blackout.” That was a great idea. He’s so smart. I checked, but no luck. I hadn’t recorded anything from last night. The band was staring at me, begging me to start singing something… anything. “I’m so sorry Bradley, I was blackout. I don’t remember the song at all.” The look of disappointment on his face was something I’ll never forget. “Maybe you shouldn’t blackout so much if you’re going to forget amazing songs that we wrote in two hours,” he said. He was right.
The crowd was wild with anticipation but there was nothing I could do. I had no idea what the song was about…I felt like maybe it was about hot tubs because I usually write hot tub songs when I’m drunk…or so I’ve been told.
“Bradley why did you bring me up here I’m so embarrassed! You should have texted me first to make sure I knew the song!”
“I thought if you started singing it, you’d remember,” he said. “Brad there’s no way I would remember! We drank 12 Mezcals, then I blacked out, then we went to Walmart and I guess we drank Coronas?” He was super mad that I had called him Brad but even madder that I didn’t remember the song.
“How could you not remember the song? I’m a famous movie star with incredible eyes you should have remembered every part of our interaction.” He was totally right. This was my one chance and I blew it.
The audience was silent. They had no idea what Bradly and I were arguing about. They hadn’t even known he could sing until earlier that day!
“I guess it just wasn’t meant to be,” I sighed, completely defeated. “I just don’t understand why you flew me all the way out here.”
“Well, I just wanted to take another look at you,” he said. “I just wish you had remembered the goddamn song.”