Thanks for coming on the yacht. It’s really something, isn’t it? It’s a present I bought myself after I made my first billion. How’d I do it, you ask? Well, it’s really quite simple. I am the inventor of “turn it off and then turn it back on” (TIOATTIBO).
It started in 1904. Harvey Hubbell II, my uncle, patented the first outlet in the US, and we plugged one of those brand-spanking-new telephones into it. For a while, it worked just fine, but one day, my damn thing didn’t ring. At first, I just thought I was unpopular, and I thought this because everyone’s always told me I am. But then I realized there might be something else going on – perhaps my phone wasn’t working.
Well, Alexander Graham Bell, a family friend, was gone, and, with nowhere else to look, I had to come up with a way to fix it. I thought, and thought, and thought another 30 seconds, and then I pulled the plug. On my mom — she wanted me to do it, I think (I mean, who wants to live with arthritis?) And also on the phone. For the first time in history, I think, the plug was out of the outlet. What to do next? Nervously, I inserted it back in, not knowing what was in store for me. Sure, we’d plugged things into outlets, but we’d never pulled them back out. 3 years later, my phone rang, and I knew I’d discovered something bigger than myself. I am 5’2”.
It wasn’t just my phone, though. As we moved into the 21st century, there were more and more devices on which we could use TIOATTIBO. iPods, iPads, iPhones, MacBooks, iWatches, and even products made by tech companies that aren’t Apple! And it’s not just electronics — why do you think parents tell their kids to take a nap when they’re in a bad mood? Why has Mischa Barton disappeared? In many ways, I’m like the guy who invented umbrellas if umbrellas had multiple uses instead of just being instruments to stick inside ourselves.
I wanted to share my wisdom with the masses, so I recently published a trilogy of New York Times Bestsellers: Turn It Off And Then Turn It Back On (TIOATTIBO), as well as the sequel Turn It Off And Then Turn It Back On (TIOATTIBO), And If That Doesn’t Work, Try Shutting The Wifi Off And Turning That Back On, and the ending Turn It Off And Then Turn It Back On (TIOATTIBO) But Consider That Maybe The Problem Is You. I also have a lot of family wealth, mostly from the outlet guy.
It hasn’t always been easy being the pioneer that I am. Others have tried to take credit for my work. A 4-year-old in Indianapolis claims he intuited how to turn off and then turn back on his Nintendo Wii, but to that little shit I say – I will LITERALLY stomp on your stupid dumb Nintendo if you try to steal my idea! I will destroy it beyond repair and you will NOT be able to TIOATTIBO!!! This is my technology!! And it’s not just him — Apple has a whole army of thieves getting paid to dole out my advice to the masses, and they have the indignity to call them geniuses. But I’m not bitter – I know it was me who first had the courage to see that perhaps we have a bit of technician in all of us.
People always ask what was going through my mind that day — how’d I know that unplugging then replugging would fix the problem? The answer is — I didn’t. I moved to this country with a trust fund and a dream, but I had no idea how things would turn out. I took a risk on an unknown electronic device, and, boy, are we all happy I did. Do you think Newton knew he’d invent gravity? No, he just wanted an apple, but then, thanks to his genius, we were able to stay standing on the Earth. And like Newton, I didn’t set out for greatness — I had it thrust upon me as I thrust that plug back in the outlet.
The timeline of this story maybe seem confusing, but I’m actually 162-years-old. How did this happen, you ask? My doctor told me my kidney wasn’t working, and I said, “can you turn it off and then turn it back on?” He laughed sadly and said no. But then I bought a 23-year-old kidney on the black market for $600,000. Thank god I’m rich!
Oh shit — the yacht is sinking? Have you tried turning it off and then—- ahhhhhh.
Disclaimer: TIOATTIBO is not a replacement for seeking professional repair when your device and/or boat truly is broken.