Happy Thanksgiving! Or is it?
It is not.
It’s over between you and David, and you are in deep anguish. Don’t keep it to yourself! Your Thanksgiving dinner guests deserve to know what you’re going through.
So toss those luxurious fruits and autumnal as fuck decorative gourds out of your Thanksgiving table centerpiece, and start filling that Cornucopia basket full of miscellaneous crap that’s going to help you heal!
Cornucopia full of rotten fruit and moldy gourds to represent the toxicity of your last relationship, because you’re over it.
Cornucopia full of his old t-shirts, (all are doused in cheap vodka) next to a large, unpredictable candle, because you’re seriously over it.
Cornucopia full of pictures of his dick, which are hidden underneath a bunch of pictures of bigger and better dicks you found on the internet, because you are unquestionably over it!
Cornucopia full of love poems he wrote for you ( which you forced him to write, but still…) because you miss him just a little bit.
Cornucopia full of flashdrives that solely contain files of the sex tapes you made together, because you miss him a lot.
Cornucopia full of his hair, that you creepily cut off in his sleep, because you miss him so freaking much!
Cornucopia full of information on various psychologists and psychiatrists, because you probably need help.
Cornucopia full of lavender oil, calming lotion, xanax, a nugget of powerful kush, and stack of Deepak Chopra books, because you definitely need help.
Cornucopia full of your own hair, which you cut off in a rage, to remind you that you seriously, most definitely need help!
Cornucopia full of a lengthy eulogy you wrote for your ex to remind you that this relationship is dead.
Cornucopia full of human ashes you rented from a morgue, to help you understand that this relationship is seriously dead.
Cornucopia full of just a human skull you found to help you remember that your ex, (I mean this relationship) is very much dead.
Cornucopia full of your own headshots, because, hey, you’re getting to know yourself.
Cornucopia full of your framed nudes, because hey, you’re starting to like yourself.
Cornucopia full of a list of things you like about who you are without your ex, because, hey, you are so excited, undoubtedly amped, and very much emotionally ready to be alone… I mean…in love…with yourself!
Happy Thanksgiving. Or is it?