Don’t Ever Contact Me Again, Unless You See the Error in Your Ways and Want to Get Back Together, In Which Case, I Am Definitely Down

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I have had enough of you! This. is. over. I can’t believe I let you back into my life. This relationship has been the worst experience of my life, and I never want to hear from you again. DELETE MY NUMBER FOREVER and don’t ever even think about drunk-dialing me! Don’t you ever try to contact me again, unless, of course, you decided you realized you were an asshole and you’d like to resume fucking. In that case, please contact me immediately, because I’m very down.

Oh, I know how it’s going to go. You’re going to go on OkCupid, and you’re going to find some girl to go out with. And then you’re going to take her home, and she’s not going to do all the nice things I do for you, like tuck you in and give you a prostate massage. And then you’re going to think, ‘huh, maybe I should call Ginny and see if she’d be open to (delivering) a butt massage sometime’, and you’re going to text me. Well I just want you to know – I blocked your number! But I blocked it under the assumption that this scenario would never happen, so if you think it will, I’ll unblock it and massage you ASAP.

The last thing I want is you sending me texts about how I “stole your charger” and “owe you money” and “need to return the keys to your house because you don’t feel safe.” What part about don’t EVER contact me again do you NOT understand?! All of those texts were completely inappropriate. I made very clear that since the break up, I don’t want to hear your dumb nasally voice, even if it’s only over text or in a comment on my Facebook status through your cousin’s account because you blocked me because I commented “ew” on every photo of you and your new girlfriend. She has a snaggletooth! Or at least, a tooth. So I was in the right. Anyway, STOP TEXTING ME! You’ll get your charger when you get your charger, namely when you call me to apologize and ask to get back together.

My therapist says I should have cut you out of my life months ago, and she’s absolutely right (she didn’t have to be such a little bitch about it. We get it, you’re married, Sheryl). I definitely wish I had sent you this email a while ago, mostly because if I had told you 3 months ago to never contact me again unless you saw the error in your ways and wanted to get back together, you maybe would have had time by now to look for the error in your ways, and perhaps we’d be together again. Sigh. I suppose I’ll just wait.

I’m dating someone new. He’s a lot better than you. For example, his name comes earlier in the alphabet, which is a sign of dominance. And he treats me right! Unlike you, he apologizes for things. I think he’s the one, and I don’t anticipate ever having to tell him to never contact me again. Because he’s a perfect gentleman! However, if you do change your mind and decide that it’s not such a big deal that I send you 18 texts for every 1 you send me, could you maybe hit me up? And I can dump this loser, and we can keep having sex. But if that’s not what you have in mind, then I don’t EVER want to hear from you, asshole.

Honestly, you don’t have to actually have seen the error in your ways. If you’re interested in getting back together without seeing them, I’m open to searching for the error in my ways. Call me!!

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