“Children Living In Household with Two Last Names at High Risk For Premature Identity Crisis”
Summary: In recent decades, the number of females opting out of taking their male counterparts’ surname has grown at an alarming rate. With societal concern mounting over the phenomenon’s impact on the familial dynamic of Homo Sapiens, a small sect of self-proclaimed scientists convened in the “best interest of the kiddos.” The Father-In-Law Testers of Humanity (FILTH) have reached the consensus that children reared in a household with two last names are eight times more likely to experience an early existential crisis. Forty percent of these crises resulted in confusion about which parent was their father.
One particularly severe case prompted a child to describe his mother as the “Bread Winner” at a 2017 Thanksgiving family get-together.
“Detrimental Feminazi Naming Trend Leaves Women Alienated From Their Own Christmas Card”
Summary: It’s looking to be a blue Christmas for fem-friendly “families” sending out holiday greetings this year. Instead of signing off as, “With Love, The Jones Family,” cards are now being cluttered with phrasing such as, “Merry Christmas from Tom Jones, Cam Jones, Kristen Jones, and Patricia Lampley.” Fathers-in-Law report that card manufacturers are shutting down nationwide, saying their templates can’t accommodate more than 30 characters.
One unbiased mother-in-law voiced alarm that recipients of the card would be led to believe the woman was a “Mere shacker, and maybe even a prostitute, who knows,” adding that her daughter-in-law was almost certainly “not a team player, but that’s just my opinion.”
“Amnesic Descendents of Eve Forget They Came From Man and Promised to Obey Him”
Summary: In-laws are ringing bells with the newfound discovery that maiden-named wives have forgotten they belong to their husbands. This long-term memory loss is so pervasive, that it extends to the moment of Creation from biblical times. The amnesic subjects report being unaware that their DNA comes from Man and therefore must act to please him.
This includes, but is not limited to, having dinner ready by six even though she gets off work at 5:30.
“Report Concludes A Startling 12/10 Women Who Keep Maiden Name ‘Just Aren’t That Committed’”
Summary: Over 100% of women who don’t change their last name upon marriage are theorized to be less committed to the relationship than their male partner. Allegedly, the socially-deviant women take perverse pleasure in verbally committing to sharing a life together and going through the financial stress and time commitment of planning a wedding. All the while, they are typically planning a divorce or, in some cases, becoming working mothers who don’t love their children.
“It’s shameful how the U.S. family structure is degrading before our very eyes,” wrote one Father-in-Law who studied anthropology for a semester. “These matriarchal tendencies need to be stomped out before even more damage occurs. Such as eating one’s own offspring. Or equal pay.”
*Editors Note: Upon publication of the report, Fathers-in-Law were astonished by how much women didn’t care. This panel has been disbanded.