How to Fuck Ted at Your Friendsgiving

affection afterglow backlit blur

  1. When everyone says what they’re thankful for, say,  “I want to fuck Ted.”
  2. When you announce what dish you brought, say,  “Chocolate strawberries, to help me fuck Ted.”
  3. When people swap stories about not wanting to be with their families, say,  “You guys ARE my family. Except for Ted, who I’m going to fuck.”
  4. When people swap stories about Friendsgivings past, you say, “Remember last year, when I didn’t fuck Ted? That was terrible.”
  5. When people start to suggest fun games to play as a group, you say, “How about you guys play a game while I fuck Ted?”
  6. When a game of telephone gets going, you just whisper, “Can you please help me fuck Ted?”
  7. When the host tells people where the bathroom is, say, “Can I fuck Ted in there?”
  8. When one of your friends tells a story about having sex in a crazy position, say, “I’ll suggest that to Ted when we fuck.”
  9. When people try to leave, say, “You can’t leave until I fuck Ted.”
  10. When the host tells you to go home, say,  “Ted, are you coming home with me so we can fuck?”
  11. When Ted says,  “I don’t want to fuck you,” say, “I think we should fuck.”
  12. When Ted says,  “You try to fuck me every year,” say,  “And this year, we will.”
  13. When Ted leaves in a huff and yells, “I don’t want her at this Friendsgiving next year,” say,  “Before you go, let’s fuck.”
  14. When your friends stare at you in horror, you run out of the apartment, yelling,  “Happy Friendsgiving! I’m going after Ted, to see if he still wants to fuck.”

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