Now that my face has recovered and my eyelids have regenerated so my eyeballs can adjust to viewing screens again, I have bravely decided to share my voter fraud tactics.
Republicans don’t win when people vote illegally, and the President knows this all too well. This same issue with Broward County occurred in 2016, and it haunts him to this day.
I used to perform somersaults and cartwheels around my polling place so people would lose my trail, but election volunteers called out my gymnastic energy. I used to get into my car, change my outfit, then go back in, but my Uber would eventually get tired of waiting in the parking lot and cancel my ride. The next year, when I translated this wardrobe plan into wearing multiple sweaters and taking one off each time to go vote again, the heat shock drained my energy too quickly and I passed out my third time in the booth.
That’s when I realized that the solution wasn’t in changing my clothes, but in changing my body entirely with multiple deep chemical face peels. A continuously molting face throughout the day is perfectly unrecognizable, allowing me to take on a new identity and cast additional votes.
The trichloroacetic acid that exfoliated my face until the skin peeled off was perfect, as it kept removing my scars, freckles, and, eventually, my eyebrows. I was essentially unrecognizable each round of checking-in to vote. I also have a suspicion that with each peel I looked a little better, and it’s hard turning down a hot person. Everything was working out in my Democratic favor, and I was serving my party with everything I had: the courage to commit voter fraud multiple times in one day to save my democracy and my ability to regenerate skin.
Admittedly, I was a little scared each time. Not just because of the felony I was committing or the deep dermatological issues I was putting myself through, but at one point one of the registrar volunteers asked for my identification to match my registered name. In a panic, I blurted out, “How dare you illegally discriminate against my skincare regime!” While this could have called attention to my registration and undermined all my hard work, the embarrassed volunteer said, “whatever, never mind”, as Florida’s election day rules are easily deceivable.
My last round of voting ended when I went to perform my last deep peel and my visible skull was too sensitive to the contact of Florida’s humid air. I was disappointed in my own molting endurance, but I know that what I did and what I put myself through is right for the country. I refuse to allow my county to be nothing more than four Yankees Stadiums worth of Republican votes. I’m proud to have offset the election counts and preserve our democracy just by melting my face off.