My therapist is my best source of guidance. She helps me figure out what to do next, how to move forward, and, most of all, how to be my best self and live my best life. And, now that my ex-boyfriend, Chad, and I are finally over for good, I can use all the guidance I can get as I get back out there and find someone new. And there’s no better way to gauge this progress than through my therapist’s reactions to my life choices!
With only the raise of an eyebrow or the hint of a disapproving frown, I can tell immediately exactly what my therapist thinks about my new boyfriend, Brad! Now I can determine the quality of my life choices— all through my therapist’s facial expressions!
When I first told my therapist I was dating someone new, she nodded, indicating her approval of my decision to move on from my ex, Chad. It was a promising nod, filled with excitement in exploring the positives of Brad’s unique qualities as a potential partner. She even cracked a smile when I gushed about how funny he is!
It wasn’t until I told my therapist that Brad wants to be a stand-up comedian that her expression changed.
The chin stroke
I could tell my therapist didn’t like the sound of Brad being a comedian, so I tried to reason with her. For example, unlike Chad, Brad doesn’t live in a frat house with 15 other dudes. Instead, he lives in his parent’s basement! Isn’t that a responsible way to save money?? Score! My therapist thought hard about this rock-solid logic.
The “mmhhmm” with a furrowed brow
After finding out that Brad has been “trying out a couple stand-up open mics lately”, I could tell my therapist wasn’t a big fan. She furrowed her brow, as if to ask, “are you sure you couldn’t find anyone better?” or “why?”
The pinched nose
My therapist is basically paid to create a judgement-free zone, so I could tell something was off when I let her know that Brad was working a temp job while pursuing his dream of telling masturbation jokes on stage in front of 6 other comedians and his new girlfriend (me!!!). After telling her that Brad kept taking me on really cute dates to open mics at coffee shops and also open mics at bars, I started to wonder what her internal dialogue could be. Is it possible she didn’t agree with me that Brad was bound to end up on SNL??
The squinted eyes
This one came after I informed my therapist that Brad quit his job to “research comedy and joke structure with more focus”. She squinted her eyes, as if that might help her see how him watching Netflix all day, sprawled on the couch in his boxers and a tee-shirt reading “you should see the other guy”, was something I could view as productive or desirable in a partner.
Now that I’m officially dating the next George Carlin, I can tell my therapist really has a bone to pick. I know she’s just jealous of my perfect new boyfriend, but recently I’ve been seeing some concerning expressions. The other day she put down her notebook, took a deep breath, and yelled, “Why are you dating someone who goes to a bar to talk about his penis and drink beer until 3 am on a Wednesday night???” It was almost as if she was suggesting I could find someone better than a 25-year-old, white, male, stand-up comedian to date!! That’s so silly!
The complete meltdown
For the first 40 minutes of therapy yesterday, I talked about how Brad was going to move out of his parent’s basement and into my apartment—to save on rent, of course. I could tell my therapist wasn’t into this idea because she spent the whole time softly crying. I thought that was pretty unprofessional, but, whatever. Then, just as I was telling her the exciting news that Brad would be hosting a new weekly open mic out of our living room, she lay down on the floor and started pounding her fists, screaming “why can’t you just date a struggling musician or literally anyone else like a normal girl?!” Afterwards, she picked herself back up off the floor, wiped the lint off her sweater, straightened her skirt, and calmly suggested I consider finding a new boyfriend with “ambition” or “redeemable qualities”.
I asked her if she’d like to come see Brad perform at an open mic on Thursday, at which point she locked herself in the office bathroom and refused to speak to me.
Since Brad is hilarious and perfect, it’s becoming apparent:
I need to find a new therapist…