During the holidays, we all overindulge in food, drink and especially our feelings. When you’re spending a lot of time around your family, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally, but especially emotionally because if overeating is what you need to do to survive a visit with your Aunt Sylvia, go for it honey! Honestly who gives a shit if you gain five pounds? (No one except Sylvia.) Here are some tips for psychologically de-bloating after Thanksgiving so you can be in decent emotional shape before Christmas and/or Hanukkah ruins you all over again.
Everyone knows if you truly want to detox, you need to make sure your psyche is completely toxic first. Watch every movie you can find about a complicated family struggling through the holidays, taking note of the similarities to yours and the one big difference, which is that the family onscreen ultimately loves each other. Notice how, in the movies, the unmarried daughter always gets so annoyed when she’s asked over and over if she’s seeing someone while, in real life, no one ever asks you if you’re seeing someone because they assume your pussy has dried up and sealed itself even though you look better than ever.
Once you’ve fully immersed yourself in every fictional universe where holiday cheer improbably prevails over seasonal depression and anxiety, it’s time to cease contact with the real world. Don’t talk to anyone and spend as little time as possible outside. Remember that movie The Net in which Sandra Bullock’s character becomes the first woman to realize you can order food online and stops leaving her apartment? That’s you now, creeping paranoia and all.
The one thing we can all agree to enjoy about the holiday season is the food so eat up, honey! Make all your favorite holiday treats, then eat them alone on your couch by the flickering light of the television. Remember no matter much your family criticizes your choices, you’re an adult in charge of your own damn life and you can do whatever the hell you want — even eat an entire pie in one sitting.
Nothing says, “I’m steering this ship” like getting drunk alone on a Tuesday! Just make sure you’re not steering an actual ship. That could be very dangerous.
Listen To Sia
Once you’ve downed a whole bottle (or two) of wine, crank up “Chandelier” and let the tears flow. By your fifth listen of “Cheap Thrills,” you’ll start wondering who even needs a family? Not Sia, that’s for sure. She’s an independent woman/sea creature doing it for herself — just like you! And just like you, she probably has a doctor cousin who once told her that her career sounded “fun.”
You may not have time to earn your family’s respect by Christmas, but you still have time to elicit creepy comments from your grandfather about how tight your ass looks by Hanukkah so sweat it out, bitch!