iPhone: I’m unable to pair with Bluetooth
Me: Do you think it’s because Bluetooth has paired with someone slightly skinnier?
iPhone: battery low
Me: Probably because you stayed up too late on Twitter, again.
iPhone: unable to update Google Maps
Me: Oh, really? Is it because Google Maps found someone slightly skinnier to update it?
iPhone: Amber alert! Child missing!
Me: is that missing child actually just your eggs slowly withering away?
iPhone: Please enter passcode
Me: Who are you kidding? No one is trying to break in here. No one even texts you back.
iPhone: Software update available
Me: did you update your hardware too? Because you’re feeling quite a bit heavier
iPhone: Airplane mode on
Me: Oh, good, now I can’t even use data — the only thing you were good for in the first place. This is like that time you got too drunk to make grilled cheese. You only have 1 skill!
iPhone: You have 7 new notifications
Me: Go to the gym!!
iPhone: Incoming call from ‘Nancy’
Me: You honestly need to take a hint – I put you in the other room for a reason.
iPhone: Not enough storage space to save photo
Me: You goddamn hoarder!
iPhone: Overheating! Please take me out of the sun
Me: I can imagine why you get so sweaty so easily.
iPhone: Background changed
Me: No need to let me know – did you think no one was going to notice that hideous mark in the middle of your face?
iPhone: You have a new text
Me: Ugh it’s probably just from my mom
iPhone: Text is from your bank
Me: Not even my mom loves me