Lies to Convince Your Family That You’re Doing Well as a Comedian

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Mom: Do they pay you to do improv?

You: Yes!

Mom: Do they pay you to do stand up?

You: I ask them not to, but yes!

Dad: Do you need money?

You: What’s this really about? Do YOU need money? 

Aunt: Is it true your living in a box?

You: What’s this really about? Do YOU live in a box?

Uncle: We saw you begging for money on the street the other day. We didn’t say Hi.

You: That wasn’t me!

Cousin Joe: Are you prostituting yourself?

You: You wish! 

Cousin Dave: I saw you your sex tape.

You: That wasn’t me!

Cousin Jane: I also saw it.

You: Again, not me!

Mom: We saw you prostituting yourself.  We didn’t say Hi.

You: You wish! 

Mom: We also saw your sex tape.

You: What’s this really about? Is this about YOUR sex tape?

Dad: We know you’re in a drug ring.

You: That wasn’t me!

Cousin Joe: We know that you prostituted yourself and made a sex tape with the drug ring!

You: You wish!

Cousin Dave: I watched the sex tape a few times.

You: What’s this really about? 

Mom: One last time, do you need money?

You: You wish! Do YOU need money?

Dad: They’re really paying you to do stand up?

You: I wish they would not but yes!

Mom: And improv?

You: Yes! What’s this really about?

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