Realistic Acts of Self-Care

four champagne flutes with assorted color liquids
  • Blast your favorite music in your car and dance and sing as loud as you can! Let it out and don’t worry whether people are looking at you and judging you even though they probably totally are.
  • Pour yourself a large glass of wine! Bring the rest of the bottle over to the coffee table, drink it all without realizing, and text the ex you deleted from your phone but look at that! You memorized his number.
  • Call your mom just to say you love her! And then grin and say nothing while she talks at you for forty minutes about your neighbor Shelly’s “minor surgical procedure.”
  • Buy your friend a “just because” present! Forget to give it to them and oh well, guess this journal with a flower on it is yours now.
  • Treat yourself to a massage! It seems like a great idea but then lie on the table and remember that you ate Taco Bell in your car last night. Panic about farting the whole time. It’s the opposite of relaxing.
  • Binge-watch your favorite show on Netflix! But suddenly, Friends is kind of homophobic and Ross is a straight-up monster person. And you can’t fucking find Slings and Arrows on any streaming service!
  • Cook yourself a healthy dinner! Crank that oven, then realize that it’s 98 degrees out and your apartment doesn’t have air conditioning. Sweat profusely while sauteing gnocchi, give up, and pass out before the broccoli is done roasting. Come to, order Seamless, and stick your head in the freezer.
  • Be super friendly to the old lady you’re stuck behind in the grocery store! You’re not actually in a rush and even though she’s taking up the whole goddamn aisle, the world is crumbling and you don’t want to add any more negativity. Offer to help carry her bags to her car, then burst into tears when you load the last bag and she simultaneously thanks you and reveals herself to be mind-bogglingly racist.
  • Give up! It’s the only thing left to do.

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