Take a Break from Writing to Get an Endoscopy

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one is my vagina but you have to guess which

We all need breaks. That’s why planes emergency land sometimes – the pilot stages a heart attack so the crew can take a breather. As a writer, you should be taking breaks every 6 minutes at least. If not, you’re not sufficiently invested in your Twitter, and you’ll never succeed.

However, sometimes we writers need longer breaks. It’s not enough to open a new tab. Sometimes we need the whole afternoon off to wind down. Personally, I wind down by going to the doctor. It’s been a hobby of mine for a while. It’s really fun, and I’m sure doctors would agree if they could just let loose a little. Most recently, I got an endoscopy for stomach problems.

I’ve had nebulous stomach problems for a little over a year, made worse by the fact that I complain about them incessantly and also am extremely overdramatic. However, for the last two months, I had been actually following instructions on how to make my stomach feel better, and it didn’t work, so my doctor suggested an endoscopy. An endoscopy sounded extremely scary to me because it contains the word ‘end’. I thought maybe I was being involuntarily put-down because I was too annoying to doctors.

Fortunately, that’s not what happened. It’s illegal to kill patients intentionally – thank god! I live to fight another day. An endoscopy is when they stick a camera down your throat to take pictures of your stomach. I don’t know if I needed it, but I’d never turn down a chance to be photographed. It’s cheaper than head shots! Plus, I knew I’d get to wear a hospital gown, which is absolutely perfect for scoring some sweet, sweet likes. Yes, it was a little embarrassing to have the nurse right next to me while I photographed myself, but she could have left. It’s not like I made her stay there and put an IV in me.

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115? What if I were dying? assholes.

I am very fortunate to still be on my parent’s health insurance, but I think I’m on the verge of losing it, so I figured I’d get this test now. Also, I’m 27, so no one really understands why I’m still allowed on their insurance. I swear it’s a NY State rule, but other people tell me my parents are actually just paying for my health insurance. We may never know.

An endoscopy provided the perfect escape from writing. For one thing, I was under anesthesia, so I didn’t have to worry about my deadlines. For another thing, I don’t really have deadlines since I’m an extremely underemployed writer.

The main reason an endoscopy provided a great escape from writing is that I wasn’t allowed to eat for 8 hours beforehand. My endoscopy was scheduled for 2:15 (we didn’t start until 4:30 god I’m such a brave, starving human). That meant I had to sit around my house all morning not eating. I don’t know if any of you have ever written anything, but the main rule of writing is that you have to eat the whole time. Otherwise, it’s literally impossible to get anything done. This isn’t something I made up – this is a fact. You have to eat about 1 chip/word. It’s ok if they’re lentil chips, but then it has to be 2 chips/word. With no food available the day of my endoscopy, I had no choice but to lay on my bed feeling sorry for myself. This is slightly different from how I usually spend my days. I can’t really explain why, but it is, OK?

Anyway, I pulled through the endoscopy just fine – I’m a real trooper. And I successfully didn’t write anything the whole day, which is just the rest and relaxation my brain needed! It enabled me to write a shit-ton the next day. At least, I think it was the rest. It could also be that I hadn’t had caffeine in two months and just got the OK to drink it again so I’m now on my 3rd latte. One or the other.

In conclusion, if you want to be a writer, kick back and get an endoscopy once in a while. Anesthesia is fun!

I loveeeiaeougaoigraiofjoi coffeeekdjaorgijiorejgoiafiao!!!

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