How to Appear Book Smart

brown book page
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  • Profess Yourself as Pro-Library: People who are book smart claim to love libraries, even though they are filled with children and vagrants and are therefore filthy. If you want to appear book smart you must declare your undying love for these dying public institutions.
  • Prominently display your literary conquests on a bookshelf: If you aren’t showing off how many books you’ve read, you aren’t trying. If you don’t have enough books to fill it, find books on the street that a real smart person has discarded and add those to your collection. If you really want to impress, build your own bookshelf so that people know you are serious.
  • Take “Shelfies”: Stand in front of your bookshelf, flip the camera to selfie mode and snap away. You should wear bookish attire i.e. scarf, cardigan, smug grin.
  • Carry around a book: To be clear, not just any book, a thick intimidating book. Preference should be given to a large tome from a literary giant who writes about very depressing topics like war, poverty, or class struggles. The ability to read depressing literature is the true mark of a book snob.
  • Talk about what book you are reading every time you have a conversation: This is easy if they ask “what are you up to lately?” and you can just reply, “great, i’m reading ‘insert book title’”, but if the person you are speaking to is talking about something completely unrelated like “my dog is depressed”, just transition by saying “wow, that reminds me of ‘insert book title’”.
  • Ask everyone you meet what type of books they like to read: If they respond “I prefer non-fiction”, immediately scoff at them and say “oh, I prefer literature because it is more thought-provoking”. If, on the other hand, they say “I enjoy fiction” you can say “oh, I prefer non-fiction, because I enjoy actually learning something about the world”. If they say “I really like James Patterson”, just laugh in their face and walk away to find someone who is higher status to impress.
  • Pretend that you’re simultaneously reading multiple books: To be safe, read five book jackets and commit them to memory. Real smart people never read just one book at a time, so this will really impress the literati.
  • Read books: This is the least important way in which to appear book smart. If you spend all your time reading, you won’t spend enough time out and about hobnobbing with the people you want to impress. What is the point of appearing book smart if you’re going to be such a nerd about it?

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