Dear Mr. Mueller,
We understand you’re on the verge of publishing a rather important report about our President. We know you have a lot of decisions ahead of you — who to send to prison, how to protect your family against your routine death threats, what tie to wear. But perhaps the biggest decision of all is where to publish your report.
You might think the best idea is to go with an established news outlet like the New York Times or Buzzfeed. However, these news outlets will write about your report even if you don’t publish it there. Every New Yorker reader will be mansplaining the juicy details to their Hinge dates that evening (even the women — when it comes to your investigation, anyone who understands it is automatically mansplaining). You don’t need to put it in those outlets. However, if you published your report on a humor site, you might reach an extended audience. I can say from the bottom of my heart, if you don’t publish your report on Little Old Lady Comedy, I truly will have no idea if Paul Manafort is even in jail (is he now? Who knows). I won’t have the slightest idea if Trump did anything illegal. Don’t go for a conventional news outlet – they’re overkill. Try something edgier.
Maybe you want to want to release your report directly to your fans. It worked for Louis CK, but look what happened to him (nothing. Nothing bad happened to him). However, you don’t seem to have much of a social media following, no offense. You don’t even really have a Twitter. I just worry if you release your report into the wild on your own, no one will read it. And that’d be a big bummer since it seems like you’ve put a lot of effort into it. I’m a writer myself, and I know the hardship of spending a lot of time on something and having it get fewer than 20 views. I don’t want that for you, Bob.
Therefore, we have a suggestion. We’d like you to consider publishing your report on the illustrious littleoldladycomedy.com. We’re a non-partisan organization, and our only real political fealty is to Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, we have 2,378 followers (growing every day. Most days. Some days. Whatever), so we believe your report will get some eyeballs on it. We’ve had articles with over 1,000 views, and we don’t doubt yours will be among them. In fact, we might even feature it on our “What’s Hot” page. If you’re lucky.
So, Mr. Mueller, we hope we’ve convinced you to send your report on the Russian investigation to us. Our email address is firstname.lastname@example.org. We’d also like to remind you and all our readers that we’re not a blog, we’re a site, but we just happen to have the word ‘blog’ in our email address WHATEVER.
Now, we’d like to give you some tips on how to best outfit your report so that it matches the Little Old Lady style. Please keep your submission to under 1,000 words — pieces longer than that typically lose the reader. Honestly, under 800 words is better. I think you can probably condense it to “TRUMP SHOULD BE IMPEACHED HE DID ILLEGAL THINGS”, but who am I to say? We find that many of our most popular articles are in the listicle/sensational format, so some sample headlines could be:
Those are just examples — we want you to really spread your wings creatively and come up with something that works for you. However, we will definitely change it to one of those three because we don’t trust your humorous instincts (no offense — you are a Republican, though).
We appreciate you taking the time to read this, Mr. Mueller. You’re going the Lord’s Work, by which I mean, it’s extremely unclear what you’re doing or if your report will ever materialize. However, if it does, please consider littleoldladycomedy.com. We could use the eyeballs. We also don’t really have enough age diversity in our writers, and you’re really fucking old. Think about that.
Little Old Lady Comedy