Text: OMG! I hate her boyfriend.
1 minute later: Sharon’s boyfriend, I mean. The one we met 4 months ago. I only sent you that to highlight how much I enjoyed meeting your boyfriend tonight! Dan is such a great guy. I hope his skateboarding business takes off.
Text: I didn’t laugh at all.
1 minute later: At any of the comics but you!! You’re a star!
Text: That haircut
1 minute later: Looks incredible!! I needed to draw it out in two texts to create suspense
Text: Ugh, Lenora is THE WORST!
1 minute later: Did I tell you I named my cat after you? Lenora is a great cat name
2 minutes later: and my cat sucks. Somebody declaw a bitch, amiright?
3 minutes later: But that text was actually about my other friend Lenora
4 minutes later: I know a lot of Lenoras, ok?
Text: She was SO drunk
1 minute later: That’s about me – I’m too drunk to use 1st person
Text: Yeah, that engagement is never gonna last
1 minute later: Pete and Ariana’s, I mean
2 minutes later: I was right! Looks like they already broke up
Text: Who even invited him
1 minute later: Her**** It was so great to have you there!! As the only man
Text: Fred’s the worst
1 minute later: My phone got hacked!!
2 minutes later: Gosh dang Russians!
Text: I would never sleep with you
1 minute later: I’m so sorry – did I say ‘you’? I meant him. And that text was supposed to go to my friend Katie. It was about you
2 minutes later: Did I say ‘you’ again? I meant it was about him
3 minutes later: But also, no.
Text: I regret going
1 minute later: because I had so much fun I’ll never enjoy anything else!
2 minutes later: kinda like the time I took Mollie
3 minutes later: I’ve been horribly depressed ever since
4 minutes later: It was the worst mistake of my life
5 minutes later: kinda like going to your housewarming — I’ll never love again.
6 minutes later: thank you for inviting me
Text: Did you see Kelly’s latest facebook status about launching an indiegogo campaign to finance her graphic novel? So dumb. A) she has no talent B) she’s annoying C) indiegogo is kinda morally wrong, in my opinion
1 minute later: Ok, there’s really no way I’m going to be able to back out of that one