“What’s this bandage on my elbow for?” It’s because I gave blood last Monday.

No, I didn’t have to keep the bandage on for three days. Only eight hours. I using it to elicit questions about how I donated blood to help raise awareness.

It’s important I help educate non-donors. I always know when blood drives are because I donated once six months ago.

Yeah, you can donate every eight weeks. I’ve just been so busy. My local blood center is, like, obsessed with me. It’s actually so sweet. Anyway, do you know your blood type?

AB+? That’s probably why you aren’t getting fan mail. AB+ is the sluttiest type because it takes anything and everything. My blood type, much like my attitude towards love, is B negative. It’s like O neg is Beyonce, A and B neg are Kelly and Michelle, and the rest of the blood types are the audience members at a sold-out Destiny’s Child concert at their peak in the mid-aughts.

Not a Destiny’s Child fan? Well if you ever had a Twilight phase, you’d know it’s really important to donate blood because the “vegetarian” vampires break into blood banks so they don’t have to kill humans. So if I’m not saving humans, I’m at least saving hot vampires.

Joking! But seriously. Have you tried helping people lately? I just feel like I’ve been spiritually cleansed. Like I’ve been reborn anew and have all this love and energy to give to the world.

Ah, no, I can’t join you for Habitats for Humanity this weekend. Or ever. See, I don’t do traditional community service anymore because I’m not applying to college anymore. Plus, how are people going to move into those houses you build if they don’t even have blood? Did you ever think of that?

Anyway, no need to call me a hero. Even though that’s what I am. A hero. My blood donation probably just saved a really cute little girl who had cancer. And that little girl is going to grow up and cure cancer. All thanks to me. Wow, you’re welcome, world. I can’t wait to meet that little-girl-doctor I saved one day in heaven. We will become fast friends in heaven, watch the fruits of our good deeds on Earth, and even throw one another angel parties once our canonizations are official.