“SantaCon, certain New Yorkers’ favorite excuse to relive their halcyon undergraduate bar-crawling days, is returning to the city for its annual holiday crawl on Saturday, December 8th.”
The world is a dangerous place! Especially when the annual zombie-uprising-slash-bar-crawl known as SantaCon descends on the otherwise tranquil streets of New York.
That’s why this year New York City is proud to announce a whole new lineup of alternative Holiday Traditions that are somehow still less shameful than dressing up as the kind of Chris Cringle that screams “registered sex offender!” and getting blitzed on Lime-a-ritas.
So before you put on that filthy, unwashed Santa suit for a third straight year let’s take a moment to highlight the amazing alternatives that await!
Screaming at a Salvation Army Santa
SantaCon attendees often do this because they’re drunk and confused, but this year try doing it because the Salvation Army is a homophobic organization run by religious zealots and you’ll be damned if anyone on this street corner is giving them a fucking cent! (Yes you’re still drunk, but now you’re drunk with a point to make.)
Vomiting in the Break Room Sink at Work
At first glance, this might seem just as shameful as vomiting all over a woman from Fort Lee wearing a “sexy reindeer” costume across the street from Penn Station, but at least you’re indoors and wearing literally anything other than head-to-toe velour.
Sobbing Uncontrollably While Waiting For Your Mobile Pickup Order at Starbucks
Take a break from the booze this year and give yourself a pick-me-up by ordering your favorite handcrafted Starbucks drink and then waiting so long for it to be made that you completely lose faith in humanity. (Although to be fair it’s your fault for having faith in humanity to begin with.)
Getting Drunk on the Subway
Hey, at least it’s not NJ Transit.
Going to an Outdoor Holiday Market
Seriously? Why are you doing this? Are you bored? Lonely? Trying to start a fire that wipes out every stall from the one with the melted cheese wheel to the one with the cheap tote bags that somehow still cost $40? Hopefully your answer is the latter, because otherwise there is no excuse for this kind of self-destructive behavior.
Calling Your Parents After Bottomless Brunch
We all know we shouldn’t do this, just like we all know we shouldn’t dress up in a sweat-stained Halloween costume and get blackout drunk at 10 in the morning. Thankfully you’ll never wake up that early on a Saturday, so just get blackout drunk at noon and then tell your parents this is socially acceptable in New York. Because it is.
Going to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
The bad news it that the parade was two weeks ago and you were so drunk you don’t remember watching it on TV. But the good news is that none of the balloons burst into flames or killed anyone, so it wasn’t worth watching in the first place.