You are probably already aware that the sexual assault accusations levied against me have recently become mainstream enough for me to care. Regardless, evidence matters. Evidence always matters.
Any impartial investigations will have my full cooperation, but for now, I offer my personal accounts for your consideration. As I hope you’ll find, I am no predator. Please, join me, Neil deGrasse Tyson, as I guide you on an odyssey through my vast, endlessly mysterious sexual history.
In the beginning, what now seems like billions and billions and billions of years ago, I was a student at the University of Texas. All the sexual energy I would ever wield was compressed into my incredibly small, yet dense penis. Soon though, this swirling cocktail of primordial hormones was released upon my first introduction to sex, an advent marked by the “Big Bang”. The Big Bang, of course, was a campus-wide orgy to which I was not invited. Still, just being privy to such an epic phenomenon engendered a carnal awakening inside me of cosmic proportions.
My sexual impulses exploded in every direction. Although, in this exciting but surprisingly lonely new landscape, very few girls sustained the necessary conditions to allow any sex life to form. In order to accommodate even the most basic sex life, a girl would need to fall within the proverbial “Goldilocks Zone”. She would have to be extremely hospitable, fertile, wet, and in the right place at the right time – an unlikely combination.
However, a girl in one of my classes did happen to meet these criteria against all odds. She sat alone, save for seven lifeless losers orbiting her nearby, in an unassuming sector on the outskirts of the lecture room. We eventually became intimate, but our relationship went extinct relatively quickly and I didn’t think much of it at the time. After all, there was a whole university out there. What were the odds only one girl was capable of supporting a sex life?
I Get No Action For Nearly 30 Years
By now my sexual cravings had cooled off a lot. But still, I remained curious as to whether there was another girl somewhere who could support a sex life with me. Until one afternoon, I encountered a particularly enthusiastic fan at a convention. A new age of exploration was instantly born. She asked for a picture and as we posed I slipped my hand under her dress to probe her for compatibility. Sadly her rugged exterior stifled my movements and I aborted the mission. I now see my actions were unwanted and I am sorry. I request forgiveness for becoming overly excited at the prospect that I had finally found one of the others.
Summer 2018 Incident
Nine years passed since I had last touched a woman and I was growing restless. In a meager attempt to advance my embarrassing but potentially respectable sex life, I tried settling down with a friend. She was my assistant and I invited her over for some wine and cheese. Things, unfortunately, did not progress as I hoped. All we did was hand stuff, shaking mostly.
I would like to apologize for trying to make her my own – my colonization efforts were admittedly inappropriate and far-fetched, but I resist claims of assault.
Navigating and attempting to understand the sexual cosmos surrounding me has always been my passion and I am glad you came along for the ride. I myself have spent a lifetime searching far and wide for answers which I probably will never discover. Nonetheless, I believe I have provided a comprehensive overview of this mysterious realm as accurately as I can and hope you will trust in my findings and experiences.
Respectfully submitted, Neil deGrasse Tyson, New York City