Broke Ass Goop: A Very Dumb(bell) Christmas

gifts christmas surprise
Photo by Tookapic on Pexels.com

The holidays are upon us, and that means it’s time to spend all your money on products from Goop and its many, many, many sponsors. If you’re worried that’s a financially irresponsible thing to do, ask your 6-year-old. She should be a financial expert by now and if she’s not, you fucked up!

x

M.C.

 

WELLNESS

The Goop Holiday Gift Guide for the Wellness Junkie

Goop Recommendation: This guide includes expensive crystals, a $500 juicer and this $100 marble dumbbell, which weighs only 2.2 pounds lol.

Cheaper Alternative: Whatever you do, do not buy someone a dumbbell for Christmas. Buy something more practical that weighs 2.2 pounds, like a can of beans.

 

BEAUTY

Ask Jean: Beyond No-Makeup Makeup

Goop Recommendation: This is a shill for Jillian Dempsey’s cheek tint. Remember when she and Patrick Dempsey were going to get divorced, then he wrote this? That was strange.

Cheaper Alternative: For the last fucking time: if you want to look like you’re not wearing makeup, don’t wear makeup!!!

 

WORK

How to Teach Kids Financial Literacy

Goop Recommendation: This is an interview with a woman who started an educational savings and gifting platform called Goalsetter, which helps teach kids about finances. She  used to work at Nickelodeon and Discovery Education, so though she didn’t say this explicitly, it’s implied she saw child stars waste their money.

Cheaper Alternative: Don’t force your kids into showbiz, ensuring they remain as broke as you are.

 

SHOP

The Cotton Shop

Goop Recommendation: This post is sponsored by cotton lol. It includes several pairs of $300+ jeans and this $1,090 dress.

Cheaper Alternative: If you love cotton, buy an Everlane shirt for $16 (it’s the perfect t-shirt) or a bag of cotton balls for $1.99.

 

FOOD

The Chicest (and Tastiest) Holiday Cookies from Designer Behnaz Sarafpour

Goop Recommendation: None of these three recipes are for cookies. One is for flour-free coconut squares, which she says are basically gummies, another is for berries wrapped in marzipan, which isn’t even close to a cookie, and the last is for chickpea balls with almonds and rose water.

Cheaper Alternative: Full disclosure: I often make these chickpea cookies, and I love them! I would never make them for the holidays, however, because holidays cookies should involve real sugar, lots of butter and absolutely no expensive infused water.

 

TRAVEL

The Chiang Mai Guide

Goop Recommendation: This is a guide to all the fanciest places in this Thai city, in partnership with the Thailand tourist board.

Cheaper Alternative: Order Thai food from the comfort of your own shitty apartment.

 

STYLE

3 Outfits That Are Exactly Right for Mountain Time

Goop Recommendation: This post was done in partnership with Montcler. (Are you noticing a trend? Goop is currently 75% sponsored posts and 25% posts that are shilling Goop products.) As a skier who grew up racing at a trashy little hill in Western Massachusetts where everyone wore hand-me-downs, I found this particularly offensive, especially the outfit for “the type to seek out triple black diamonds.” First of all, if you even think of skiing in terms of squares and diamonds, you’re not a good skier! Secondly, no actual skier would ever wear this hideous $2,045 coat!

Cheaper Alternative: Go skiing for the actual sport of it and not the outfits. It’s bullshit like this that makes people think skiing is a rich person’s sport when in fact skiing is a rich person’s activity and a sport for anyone with a little disposable income and a sense of adventure!

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