What To Do When You Find Yourself in a Hot Tub With Mike Pence


Well, this happened. It’s spring break, you’re in Cabo, it’s just past midnight, and you’re soaking it up in the resort hot tub with Vice President Mike Pence.

You figured this day would come (heck, we all did), but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready for it. Don’t panic though – we’ve assembled a simple guide to help walk you through the next steps. Good luck!

  1. Get out of the hot tub.
  2. Put a towel on, you’re going to catch a chill.
  3. Put on your sandals (the resort has a very strict “shoes on” policy).
  4. Tell Mike Pence he’s a fuck for signing a bill that bans abortions planned in response to fetal chromosomal abnormalities, including Down Syndrome, along with the donation of fetal tissue for aborted or miscarried fetuses. You’re letting your personal religious beliefs halt life-changing medical practices, you weak rejected muppet.
  5. Find your room key.
  6. Find your cell phone.
  7. Answer your friends texts asking where you’ve been – they haven’t seen you in hours, cause you’ve been in a hot tub with Mike Pence!
  8. Before you turn around and walk away, tell old Pencey Boy to eat mud for blocking the settlement of Syrian refugees in Indiana even PRE-Trump. Splash some of the hot tub water in his face for trying to cut off federal aid to those ALREADY IN STATE, an order blocked in federal court because FUCK U MICHAEL.
  9. Ask him if Mother knows he’s there. Because, you know, he calls his wife Mother.
  10. Oh wait the poolside bar is still open – grab a drink. It’s an all-inclusive resort so like, why not?
  11. Oh, sweet, they’re still serving nachos. Grab a plate. This night might be turning around.
  12. Damn it, eating nachos in the hot tub would be so nice, but Vice President of The United States Mike Pence is still in there. And you will NOT make that mistake again. Better just eat them under the cabana.
  13. Wow, that was a great late night snack. Better head up to the room – your friends are worried.
  14. Before you leave, ask Mike Pence (who you noticed has been drinking the hot tub water) if he understands the irony of someone staunchly “supporting” Christian values actively working against those ideals in practice, via both his time as Indiana Governor and his “work” with our current administration. Splash more water in his untoasted English muffin face.
  15. Grab another plate of nachos, head up to the room, and try not to puke when you turn around to see Mike Pence ripping off his toenails and making them kiss – or as he calls it, “my favorite childhood game”.

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