“I Had to Fart,” Says Mike Pence

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WASHINGTON – In a fiery meeting at the White House on Tuesday afternoon, Vice President Mike Pence sat in a catatonic stupor, clenching his buttocks and closing his eyes, while President Donald Trump sparred with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) over a proposed government shut down. “I had to fart,” Pence told reporters. “Mother says I shouldn’t cut the cheese in front of women. When Mr. Trump was arguing with Nancy, I closed my eyes and pictured the last time I didn’t have to pass gas, which was really difficult because we will probably be indicted soon and my stomach has been in knots for months.”

“Well if there’s a government shut down then I guess Pence can fart as much as he wants,” an exasperated Schumer told the Times. According to an anonymous White House official, staffers cleared the bathroom adjacent to the West Wing. Pence was seen running to the restroom following the meeting. “He was probably praying the fart away,” the staffer said, shaking his head.

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