(Late night. Abraham Lincoln’s 1-bedroom condo just outside Springfield, Illinois. Lincoln has just finished pouring himself a glass of boxed wine when the phone rings.)
Abraham Lincoln: Hello?
GOP Pollster: Hi, do you support the party of Lincoln?
AL: Uh, yeah! You bet I do!
GP: Great! Do you have a moment for a few questions about the important issues facing America?
AL: Well I was about to fire up my Instant Pot and make a little chicken vindaloo, but I guess that can wait.
GP: Thanks, this will only take a minute! And the Republican Party will really benefit from your answers.
AL: Well as long as the Party of Lincoln gets something out of it, I’m in.
GP: Great! So, first question: On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned are you about the massive invasion of pregnant drug-dealing gang members coming to attack our southern border?
AL: Well as someone who dealt with actual attacks on my southern border, I have to say I’m not especially concerned.
GP: But aren’t you worried those unwed MS-13 mothers coming to America for our free healthcare?
AL: Wait. We have free healthcare? Then why am I working at a Panera Bread?
GP: Don’t worry, Mr. Lincoln! With your support the Republican Party is committed to making sure that no one gets free healthcare–– least of all the people who can’t afford it!
AL: I–– I don’t think you understand the point I was trying to make.
GP: That’s okay! Next question: Would you say Nancy Pelosi is either… A. An enemy of the state? B. An enemy of the people? Or C. Public enemy number one?
AL: Is it just me or are all those choices basically the same thing?
GP: So that would be D. All of the above. Love it!
AL: Actually I just asked a questi––
GP: You’re right! It’s time for the third question!
AL: That’s not––
GP: So, question three: If Barack Obama were still president would you… A. Move to Russia? B. Move to a private island in the Pacific? Or C. Just refuse to pay taxes?
GP: Mister Lincoln?
AL: Are there any other options?
GP: Oh! Do you have a tax shelter in the Caribbean? I’ll just put you down for B then.
AL: Actually could I ask you some questions about this survey?
GP: Ohhh isn’t that sweet? No, thank you.
AL: What–– what do you mean?
GP: Well we only just met and I’m sure you’re a great role model for the country and all, but your views just seem a little too socialistfor me.
GP: Exactly. So I think it’s better if we just stay friends.
AL: Friends? I don’t even know who you are.
GP: Isn’t that great? Now, last question: Is Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation… A. A which hunt? B. An attempt to cover up Hillary Clinton’s real corruption? Or C. Robert Mueller is actually Nancy Pelosi on stilts and we should arrest her for treason immediately?
GP: Feel free to take your time with this one!
AL: I’m sorry but how do these questions help the party of Lincoln?
GP: I think I know a bit more about President Lincoln than you do, Mister, uh… Lincoln.
AL: You know, you’re probably right. I was blitzed on morphine the last few years anyway.
GP: So can I count on your vote in 2020?
AL: Sorry, I’m a dead man in Illinois. I only vote Kennedy.