Moving to a new city on your own is hard.
Like harder than leaving Target without purchasing less than $70 worth of Christmas socks and inspirational quote coffee mugs. In some cases, even harder than not using the laughing emoji in every fucking text message. (Not everything is that funny, Ashley).
Not knowing where to find new friends can be a very difficult and confusing time. There’s only so much Desperate Housewives you can watch before the crippling loneliness and existential dread start to creep in.
Thankfully, I’ve created a guide to assist you in finding your #dreamsquad to become #squadgoals. Follow these tips and you’ll have a Bumble BestFriend4Life in no time!
- Have such a generic face that strangers frequently tell you that you look just like their friend Katie from high school oh my God that’s actually so crazy wait I have to take a picture real quick wow you guys could be sisters.
- Use “adult” as a verb every six sentences, at a minimum. Bonus points if you can mention how much you miss college and “getting wild with your girls” with each use.
- Dog emoji, champagne emoji, dancing lady emoji, wine glass emoji, pizza emoji. Repeat if necessary.
- Say you love adventures in your bio and by adventures you mean “hiking” two miles in Lululemon with a bottle of kombucha in hand.
- Have at least one story about how you drank a bottle of kombucha too quickly and got fucking wasted at 11 am on a Wednesday.
- Call yourself a foodie, meaning you want to visit every Japanese restaurant in town so you can post the most elaborate sushi assortments to your Instagram story and then only eat the California rolls with a fork.
- Only refer to dogs as “doggos” or “hecking puppers”. Other variations, such as “the goodest of good bois”, are probably safe, but assess your audience.
- Be able to identify with one of the characters in The Office. Pam is a solid choice, as you can very easily relate to her exciting and dynamic personality. You can also bond over wanting a Jim Halpert and how hard it is to find a decent man who won’t blow vape clouds in your face nowadays.
- Talk about how you loooove quirky Zooey Deschanel in New Girl and wish you could pull off bangs like her, but sadly your asymmetrical fivehead won’t allow you to.
- Know all the words at least four songs from both Post Malone and Drake. Be ready to perform SICKO MODE at any moment.
And if you don’t like pink moscato, don’t even fucking think about joining this app.