If Planned Parenthood Could Describe Describe Birth Control Honestly

blue and silver stetoscope
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IUD:  This is a great form of birth control. It can be easily removed, lasts up to 5 years, and the hormones are localized to your reproductive organs. Or you can just get a copper IUD, sperm hates copper, who knew? It is the least obtrusive, most convenient form of birth control humanity has invented. However, every man you sleep with from here on out will try and tell you they can feel it. They’ll bleat their dicks are so large, they are going into your uterus. The IUD is for the strong woman who cares only for her nut and her nut alone. Yes, there is a string that sits in the vagina so your doctor can pull it out, but the effect of the string will be communicated to you from your partner as “a  sharp, stabbing, crab claw tearing away at my manhood”. DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR THEM. IF THEY WANTED CONTROL OVER HOW SEX FELT, THEY WOULD GET A VASECTOMY.

99% effective

 

The implant:  What a fucking God send this is. Lasts five years, and is foolproof. You do have to have you arm sliced open to get it out, BUT because it’s in your arm, under the skin where no one can see it, there is literally NO WAY a man can complain about it affecting their dick. In fact, you could have a little fun and convince your partner they’re impotent from eating with their mouth open or not clipping their nails often enough, whatever bugs you. Make them spend a little money on reproductive costs! Go ahead, let them get their junk tested, cum in a cup, sit in a waiting room awkwardly looking at cute babies they definitely don’t want right now but feel guilty for thinking that somehow.  Although you don’t see offices that offer vasectomies with metal detectors do you? DO YOU? Only after they’ve exhausted all avenues; bought new underwear, stopped watching so much Hulu with a laptop on their junk, eating better, exercising, then reveal you they’re not impotent, you ‘forgot’ about the implant. It’s that convenient*.

99% effective

 

*How has no one figured out how to just shove some copper piping into dude’s nut sacks and nip semen in the bud? I mean really, we’re putting plastic hormone wands in chick’s arms and no one has thought to Macgyver impotence with some melted down pennies? Come on.

 

The Pill: Just one more thing to fail at daily. How any woman could ever possibly remember to take this EVERYDAY at the same time is beyond me. I mean, if it were the 50s and it was my only option, you better believe I’d be sitting by the clock watching it tick down to 8am just to stick it to the Catholics, but with IUDs and implants who has time for spite responsibility like that? Live a little! However, if you’re a type A, this method’s not so bad. You could gain weight and not want to fuck anymore, but whatever. You won’t get pregnant, right?

91% effective

Birth Control Shot: Bet you didn’t even know this was a thing did you? Yup, you can get a shot in your ass every four months and call it a day.

94% effective

 

Condom: The bar none, best way to make sure you get yours, honey. It will prevent STDs, pregnancy, and piss your partner off to no end. They HATE it, like a dog in boots. But they’ll do it if you warn them having an adult temper tantrum over doming their dick results in no sex. Every time a woman is firm about a man using a condom, somewhere a teenage girl feels pretty. So snap it on, and get freaky.

85% effective

 

Female Condom: please, this is so fucking lame. Make him wear a condom or GET A VASECTOMY.

Never been used. It’s more theoretical, like Schrodinger’s Pussy.

 

Withdrawal (Pull Out Method): GET A VASECTOMY

78% effective

 

Diaphragm: GET

88% effective

 

Cervical cap: A

86% effective

 

Spermicide: VASECTOMY

71% effective (that is worse than the fucking pull out method)

 

Vasectomy: You’ll never do this, so at least spring for the condoms. Prick.

99% effective

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