Clickbait Headlines for the Mueller Report

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I believe the Mueller investigation will yield results soon, but who wants to read a long, stupid document called “Special Counsel investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections and related matters.” In today’s social media landscape, headlines need to pop in order to get the reader’s interest. Here are a few suggested headlines that will ensure the whole world reads Mueller’s boring-ass report.

 

  • Top 10 Ways The Trump Campaign Colluded With Russia
  • Awkward! Mueller Says Trump Family Knew What Was Going on WHOLE TIME
  • Feminism FTW! Ivanka Also Guilty
  • 17 Times You Might Have Met a Russian Lawyer and Forgotten About It
  • QUIZ: Are You a Don Trump Jr, A George Papadopoulos, a Paul Manafort, or a Samantha?
  • Body Positivity FTW! Trump’s Hair Not a Big Player in Russian Investigation
  • Michael Flynn: Hot or Not or Totally Guilty But Still Getting Off The Hook?
  • Articles of CLOTHING: Stylish Impeachment Looks for President Trump
  • We All Have Foibles: Paul Manafort Physically Unable To Tell The Truth
  • Jared Kushner Said What!? Find Out Here
  • New Study Shows Trump Voters Feeling Pretty Stupid Now
  • All The President’s Felons: A Who’s Who Guide to Everyone Indicted
  • This Will Change the Way You Vote: Find Out More HERE!
  • 12 Important Distinctions Between Collusion and Transfusion
  • Ladies Rejoice! Alex van der Zwaan Still Hot in Prison Jumpsuit
  • Orange is the New Orange: Trump’s Going to Jail
  • Mar-A-Liar: The Scandal That Brought Down the Presidency, Golf Course and All
  • Individual-1, Cheetoh, Guilty, and other Cute Nicknames for Our Commander-in-Chief
  • Democracy Rules! How the Justice Department Will Take Down Trump
  • Michael Cohen’s Cell-Mate TELLS ALL: Cohen Has Bad Breath!
  • Devastated: Stephen Miller’s Hairline
  • 9 Bullfrogs that Look Like Paul Manafort But Aren’t
  • Commander-in-Thief! Trump Lies and Steals, Duh.
  • We Asked 81 Members of the Trump Campaign What Illegal Shit They Did and Their Answers Will Shock You! Unless You’ve Been Paying Even a Modicum of Attention, In Which Case They’re Pretty Obvious
  • VIDEO: This Mama Bird Protects Her Young. Also, Manafort Protects Trump But It’s Less Cute Yet Still Somehow Involves Regurgitation
  • Burned at the Stake: The Mueller Witch Hunt is Over
  • RecomPENCE: Trump Out, Pence In, Nation Still Going to Shit
  • Spoilers to the Mueller Investigation Inside! And If That Doesn’t Work, Spoilers to GOT Season 9!
  • 33 People Have Been Indicted and You Won’t Believe What Child Star Macaulay Culkin Looks Like Now!
  • Bored of the Mueller Investigation? You and Me Both! And I Am Robert Mueller!
  • This Article Will Get More Clicks If I Suggest Trump Might Be Innocent Because Everyone Knows He’s Guilty, So Saying that in the Headline is Overkill
  • Bye Bye Trumpie

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