Instagram can really feel like a wasteland of fabrication where everyone presents their best selves in order to curate images of a flawless life. For me, that is exactly the case, as my life is as beautifully amazing as my Instagram portrays it. This is how I know this to be true:
- Like my captions, I speak exclusively in brilliant puns. Timely and relevant topical humor is my native tongue.
- I never repeat one of my many and gorgeous outfits and have certainly never worn the same clothes multiple days in a row!
- I’m rarely home. You can usually find me basking in the sun and glistening in its rays, either on a hip rooftop bar you’ve never been to or at a tropical location you discovered clicking my GeoTag.
- I don’t consume any beverage below the $25 I easily paid for it. Isn’t the glass I’m drinking out of so cool?
- I’ve met so many celebrities. Like, more than I’ve posted. They’re all very chill, like me, and that’s why we’re friends.
- I’ve accomplished so much! Did you know I was taking online coding classes and also getting my MFA while you’ve been scrolling your time on this earth away? I found the time pretty easily.
- I know a lot of people, all of whom are my best friends and have amazing birthdays that we celebrate constantly! Sparkling candles every night!
- I practice political activism literally all the time because it’s important to stay engaged both online and IRL. I’m aware of this and that’s why I am informed on all matters in addition to being an online model of perfection. You could learn a lot from me.
- I’m always dating someone who’s either equally attractive or better. And if I’m not? There’s no messy breakup in between partners because I’ve already moved onto the next equally attractive or better mate who loves me endlessly and immediately. Imagine a constant series of events made up of only the good parts of a John Green novel.
- Sometimes I use these “insta-stories” with their fun gifs if my life is so spontaneously perfect in the moment and it takes no effort to share without losing grip of the moment. I have it all.
- I’ve never used a filter in my life. My skin is gorgeous and the lighting always works for me.
- I recently heard someone say that they follow me on their Finstagram? I don’t get it. Are other people not like me and only need one account to provide the real, unfiltered beauty of their truthful life? I don’t really spend attention on Instagram because my life is so much better than my phone, which is why I don’t have any screen addictions.
- Wait, I was tagged in a photo? Ok cool, I’ll check it out at some point. I don’t feel the need to immediately. I’m too chill, ya know?
I mean, don’t get me wrong: I am human and do messy imperfect human things like eat fried chicken once or stand barefoot in open dirt patches at expensive indie music festivals. I supposed I could have flaws, if you really want to project that onto me.
Who knows, I guess my life might be a little more perfect than what my Instagram account leads on? I try not to be on my phone too much and just live in my life’s continuously glorious moments! I’m always thriving! Thanks for following me! Or rather, you’re welcome for following me!