More Surprise Announcements from Governor Cuomo

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New Yorkers are abuzz with Governor Cuomo’s surprise announcement that he’s scrapping the L Train shutdown plan in favor of “new technology” that will allow the train to simply by hobbled by delays for years (but what are the odds you’ll even notice the difference?).

But did you know the governor announced SIX other big changes right after that? Buckle up New York, because this Cuomo Train is just leaving the station!

1. You are no longer moving in with your boyfriend

Despite months of planning and the irreparable damage already done to your relationship with your current roommates, Governor Cuomo surprised New Yorkers when he announced that you will not be moving in with your boyfriend next month. Sure you’ve been going out for nearly two years, but the governor recently discovered new dating technology that could match you with a doctor, lawyer, or young Amazon employee in Long Island City. And besides, your current boyfriend’s apartment is a walk-up.

Asked where you will live when your lease expires at the end of the month, the governor told reporters that you’re welcome to spend nights and weekends on his couch (but keep in mind it’s first-come, first-served!).

2. You are not going to grad school after all

In a move guaranteed to rock the academic world, Governor Cuomo also revealed that you will not be attending grad school next fall. Observers were surprised by the quick turnaround time on this decision— as you only received your acceptance letter this week— but the Governor insisted that the evidence was already overwhelming. 

Experts in Albany were hired to examine your finances and assess the relative quality of the short stories you’ve been submitting to The New Yorker, and while they admit the rejection letters have gotten more encouraging in the last year, they also issued a report stating that no MFA is actually worth $120,000. Based on these findings and new job opportunities at your uncle’s law firm, Governor Cuomo strongly suggests you take the LSAT this fall. Just to see what you get.

3. You will never finish that novel

Having just ruled out your dreams of getting your MFA, Governor Cuomo also took the opportunity to announce that you will never finish that novel you started in November 2015. Reporters who attended the press conference said the governor spoke very highly of the positive feedback your first four chapters received from your aunt who used to work for Random House— but Cuomo also explained that much like the MTA there’s no one person in charge of what does and doesn’t get published, and honestly your aunt was just an accountant anyway.

4. You are no longer taking that improv class

In one of the few announcements being praised by both his allies and his critics, Governor Cuomo officially canceled your upcoming improv class yesterday. The Governor knows you were excited to begin your UCB education, but after a careful analysis of an Improv 101 show held at 2:30 on a Tuesday afternoon, the Governor had no choice but to call the registrar and demand a full refund (minus the $35 processing fee). You should see these funds on your credit card statement in 2-3 business days, at which point you can use the money to invest in a microphone for podcasting.

5. You will never record a second episode of your podcast

Despite having just told you to invest in a microphone for podcasting, Governor Cuomo revealed that you will never actually record a second episode of whatever podcast you were about to start. The governor stressed that you wouldn’t quit because the podcast itself is inherently a bad idea (although sources in his office confirmed that it is) but that you will simply forget about it after discovering Schitt’s Creek on Netflix. 

6. Your wedding has been called off

Governor Cuomo stunned your close friends and family today when he announced that your upcoming wedding has been canceled and will be replaced by a romantic getaway weekend at a small bed and breakfast outside Buffalo. The governor is aware that your nuptials were less than four months away, but he insisted that agreeing to stay together “in sickness and in health” would place an unnecessary burden on both of you. 

Asked by reporters if Chuck still loved you, Governor Cuomo insisted that Chuck loves you so much he doesn’t need to put on a big show to prove it. He went on to say that Chuck might be open to the idea of eloping, but only if the city first agrees to a congestion pricing plan.

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