Now that my parents have cut me off, I need a real job. Could I be a receptionist? No, my body is too lumpy to sit at the front of an office. Could I be a waitress? I’m sure I’d get fired immediately for taking a bite out of the burger before serving it. I want something where I can inflict my unlikeability on the most vulnerable members of our society. I’d work with kids, but they’re loud and I have no patience. I know – I’ll walk dogs.
I sign up for Rover. $12/walk! Ugh, I’m definitely going to have to do more than 1/day. This is not what I bargained for.
I have to take an online test. I had a dog growing up, so I should know the answers, but I fed my dog chocolate and grapes all the time just so we’d have to go to the vet and I’d get out of swim practice. Oops! I guess I’ll call my mom and get her to tell me the answers.
I get hired! The success of now being an employed person ripples through my body. I deserve to take the next week off. And to buy myself a steak on my dad’s credit card.
My first day walking dogs. I open the door. A tiny white dog jumps up with great enthusiasm, desperate to walk outside.
I slam the door. I’m actually afraid of dogs.
I give it another go. The dog they’ve assigned me to seems very old.
I’m walking Spartan, but then I walk past an AA meeting. I’m not an alcoholic, but I definitely could be, you know? I drink a lot, and honestly, it’s kinda weird that my friends don’t worry about me more. Maybe they don’t care.
I pop my head in with Spartan. Uh-oh — the meeting’s in session. Well, this means I’ll get more attention when I go in. I wonder if dogs are allowed, but they must be. I mean, people in AA need all the help they can get.
Dogs are not allowed. Spartan and I are back on the cold Manhattan streets
Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
(I walked Spartan today but I just let him off his leash in Union Square Park so I could get a massage. I found him later at the pound – he was so happy to see me! He loves me).
Why am I not allowed to file for unemployment? Honestly, that’s why income inequality exists in our country.
My dad wired me $7,000. I smile for the first time all month.
I got back together with Adam.
I hate Adam!!