Ah, Ben and Jerry’s. The go-to wallowing food for women in every movie ever filmed. Yes, before Ilsa boards the plane at the end of Casablanca, you can see her throwing away an empty pint of ole B&J. I’ve always wondered then, why hasn’t Ben and Jerry’s made flavors targeted at women? Here’s how I think that pitch meeting might have gone…
Pitch: My Boyfriend Can’t Make Me Nut
Get your nut girl! Filled with walnuts and peanuts in almond flavored ice cream this pint is for those days when your boyfriend seemingly doesn’t know what a clit is, even though he went to the women’s march and is ‘proud’ to be dating such a ‘vocal’ feminist. Who needs equitable orgasms when you have Ben and Jerry’s?
Pitch: My Body My Brownie Chunk
Sometimes you just want to be left alone to eat some delicious fudge ice cream with brownie chunks in it. You don’t need the cashier, guy on the bus, or guy on the corner commenting on “that sugar ass”. We promise this pint is sweeter than even the finest of asses. Who needs equitable body autonomy when you’ve got Ben and Jerry’s?
Response: “That’s pretty intense Jerry.”
Pitch: Peanut Butter Diva Cup
Ah, the female reproductive system! What a beautiful, powerful creation. You should celebrate your period with this peanut butter cup stuffed ice cream, knowing it’s a sign everything is alright with your organs, cause heaven knows doctors certainly don’t give a shit if you’re in pain. Yentl Syndrome is a real thing, in 2018! Who needs equitable medical care when you’ve got Ben and Jerry’s?
Response: “Is that true Jerry? God, no I’m glad I know now, I just thought this project would be a little more light-hearted.”
Pitch: Sad and ACone
There’s nothing cooler than a woman in her thirties who’s single, right? Jk, society’s view of women is horseshit. Despite itself, you’re still a valued member of our culture, even if you don’t have a relationship to ‘prove’ you’re not a hag whose only interests must be cats and Georgia O’Keefe. So take a second to relax, and treat your independent self with a waffle cone pint of Sad and ACone. Who needs equitable intellectual value when you’ve got Ben and Jerry’s?
Response: “Jerry, can we do a fun one maybe? Maybe something about body positivity?”
Pitch: Child Bearing Chips
In the immortal words of Shakira, hips don’t lie, and neither does this milk and white chocolate chip, vanilla ice cream. Celebrate your birthing bod by making them hips a little bigger and birthier! Just know when you do decide to become a mother you will be pigeon-holed in every job you ever take, becoming half as likely as childless women to be promoted. Who needs to be taken seriously at their workplace when you’ve got Ben and Jerry’s?
Response: “We don’t do that do we Jerry? Christ, Mark get me a list of all the mother’s working here. Sam, you’re a mom, have we promoted you since you had little Callie? Are you sure? Shit.”
Pitch: Cake Battered Women
Forget about the constant threat of physical violence you face every day. Instead, stuff your face with cake batter ice cream! Who needs the promise of physical safety when…
Response: “Jesus Jerry. No, I do think this is an important issue! Maybe ice cream puns aren’t the best way to tackle it though? Did you think of that?!’
Pitch: Fair Pay-Stach-Ratio
This fair trade pistachio ice cream is almost as delicious as the promise of an equal wage for equal work! Almost. Who needs equitable pay rates when you’ve got Ben and Jerry’s?
Response: “Ok, can you get me a list of just all the women who work here Mark, thank you. I never should have agreed to this. My ulcers are acting up Jerry, you should have warned me, you know they get agitated when I have to feel this much. Mark, bring Tums with you please.”
Pitch: Pee-Can Sitting Down
Go ahead! Yell at your male husband for not wiping down the toilet after he peed all over it while enjoying this pecan pie flavored ice cream. How inconsiderate can a human being be, to make someone wipe up their piss without realizing how degrading that is? In fact, the expectation of doing home chores falls predominantly to women, even if they earn more money then their partners. Who needs equitable responsibility as their partner when you’ve got Ben and Jerry’s?
Response: “I gotta call my wife. I have some serious soul searching to do, I’m gonna be gone for a few weeks. You do the rest Jerry, I’m out.”
With gobs of cookie dough in oreo ice cream, cookielingus knows what you like and is excited to give it to you! Just eat up and feel good about yourself! This is just nice, no subjugations to ponder, just a sweet treat. Who needs to worry about whatever else is happening when you’ve got Ben and Jerry’s?