Chihuahuas are the perfect dog for anyone who wants to tell the world, “I think I’m better than I am!” The small breed has become popular among celebrities who like to carry them around in large purses. Chihuahuas are ideal for people who want all the responsibility of a dog and the lovable charm of a large subway rat.
Unless you’re the queen of England, corgis just tell the world that you are willing to spend way too much to have a dog that makes you look fun and quirky. They have those cute little butts that shake when they walk, and they also have the added bonus of constantly looking like a stuffed animal. Did you know that corgis were originally bred as cattle herding dogs? Now they are exclusively used to get likes on instagram videos.
These dogs do not look like they really exist. Every time I see someone on the street with a borzoi I immediately think that they are a wizard visiting our mortal world with their ancient spirit guide. These dogs are terrifying spirits that look like they are going to steal your child. Borzois are not of this plane of reality, they are greyhounds that exist in the shadow realm and are simply passing through our world.
Pugs are the perfect dogs for anyone who loves cleaning out folds. Pugs are the ultimate triple threat: breathing problems, walking problems, and eating problems. If you want a dog that can’t walk long distance, is constantly gassy, and wheezes all day everyday, then you should really get a pug. It’s like a pet that’s also a sickly patient! Having a pug is just training you for when you have to take care of your dying mother cause you feel bad putting her in a nursing home. These dogs are a crime against nature that should not exist, but just look at their cute smushy faces!
Dachshunds, AKA wiener dogs, are great for anyone with a sense of humor. If you get a dachshund you can take it out on walks and tell everyone that you’re “taking your wiener out.” Or you could pick it up and proclaim, “Look! I’m holding my wiener.” You can even say, “my wiener has been driving my crazy lately.” The potential for bits like this is endless, and I know that everyone in your life will absolutely love them every time and never ever get tired of it.
These are not dogs. They also aren’t acceptable pets. If you’re not Ariana Grande and you have a pet pig you need come to your senses and realize how insane you look. Also, I promise no matter how often you clean your apartment, it is still going to smell like a farm. Even if no one is brave enough to tell you, they’re all thinking it every time they come over.