As a freelance writer, you should expect to be snacking pretty much constantly (sorry, jeans, but this does provide you with additional material on how beauty standards are the patriarchy — pitch it to The Atlantic). However, not all assignments necessitate the same type of snacks, so here we break it down for you.
- Marketing Blog Post: Here, you have some semblance of what it would be like to have a real job. You’re writing for a real company, and you’re not allowed to use the term “literally” or “cunt.” Take yourself seriously with some serious foods, like almonds or carrots (don’t worry, you very rarely get work that pays this well, so you’ll be back to junk food in no time).
- Articles for Your Own Site: You’re such a good person for running a humor site. Think of all the writers you’ve published!! Congratulate yourself by eating something good for the world as well — nourishing vegan food like Fritos or 6 pints of the dairy-free Halo Top. You deserve it.
- Podcast Review: People ask me to do this kinda a lot, and I’m not really sure why. You’ll have your hands free while you’re listening to a podcast, so why not take this opportunity to cook something a little fancier? Like an omelet? Maybe even with sliced cheese on top if you’re feeling like a Michelin Chef.
- Writing Packet: Writing packets force you to read the news, which is inherently depressing. To offset this sadness, you need something light and fluffy, like straight whipped cream. Plus, whipped cream is white, not unlike the people who run our country.
- Tweets: This can be an assignment, ok, assholes. You’re writing bite-sized jokes, so enjoy some bite-sized muffins as accompaniment.
- Humor Article Full Pitch that Has Not Yet Been Accepted: In all likelihood, you’re doing all this work for nothing, or perhaps 3 likes on Facebook. The only appropriate way to manage empty effort is empty calories, so maybe we suggest a boiled potato?