This is a new year, new you—everything is about to go your way in 2019, at least that’s what your horoscope said. You’ve decided to leave 2018 safely behind you, your garbage ex-boyfriend, Ryan, along with it. Unfortunately, he must have had the same idea because now he’s got a new girlfriend and that means that your New Year’s resolution is to get hotter than her. You’re totally over him, for sure, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve still got to prove no one can ever live up to how perfect he once thought you were.
So, here you are, at the boxing gym, and these are the 6 people you’ll meet.
The MMA Fighter
He’s got a higher muscle content and lower body fat percentage than the Hulk himself, not to mention a tattoo that, if you squint really hard, looks like a naked lady. This is the guy your parents told you to avoid as a kid, but you’re an adult now and need someone to teach you how to throw a good uppercut. He probably won’t hurt you, right? You figure you can get this muscular too, that is if you pound a couple protein shakes and bench press 250 every day until February when you eventually stop showing up. Every New Year’s resolution starts with a gym-buddy, but this dude is giving you death eyes.
The White Girl
You think she might’ve thought this was a spin class, but, in either case, this is the white girl. She’s the only one doing ballet plies next to the weight room, and, somehow, the MMA fighter seems to be on better terms with her than he is with you. You’ll ask the white girl for a sip of her Smart Water once and then force her to assure you that your new gym shorts don’t make your ass look flat.
The Hot Guy
He’s over there hitting the speedball and, my God, no one has ever made sweating look less disgusting. You’re pretty sure he’s hotter than Ryan and, after you do a quick pit check, decide to go over and say hi. You’re cool, confident, and about to spend the next 45 minutes in the sauna quietly crying, “I miss you, Ryan”.
She’s got the muscles of a farmer with a thriving outdoor garden, the precision of a Swiffer-God, and the stamina of warrior who’s pushed out three humans sans drugs. This is the stay-at-home mom, and she’s got a lot to be angry about. This mom doesn’t care that she’s got baby spit-up on her ripped Berkeley University tee-shirt; she’s got two hours till carpool and at least 8 more rounds on the bag until her mental-breakdown is curbed. You’ll ask her to mentor you and she’ll growl, “get over it” before tearing back into the ring.
This is your gym, you’re comfortable here, these are your people. You’ve finally found the empowerment you’ve been looking for all along, you’re doing it! Maybe this wasn’t about getting hotter than Ryan’s new girlfriend, maybe the true lesson was about finding your joy and—
Your Ex-Boyfriend’s New Girlfriend
OH HELL NO! Oh no, no, no, no, no—wait, it can’t be. It’s Ryan’s new girlfriend. What’s she doing here? You weren’t supposed to see her until you got, like, 4 months and 6 more abs into this. Sure, maybe this was never about her, but also it was definitely always about her. This was a good idea while it lasted, but now you’ve got to get out of here before she sees you.
Maybe you’ll go find the white girl again and try a spin class after all…