- A Salad: Listen, this is not the first salad I’ve ever eaten. Maybe it’s the first salad I’ve eaten since I opened this account 4 years ago, but I still think there was something in like San Francisco that one time.
- A Gas Charge in my Parent’s Hometown: I visit my parents ok? Plus, as my credit card company, you should probably be able to anticipate my visits, right? Based on how low I am on funds.
- Toilet Paper: It’s been months (or at the very least weeks) since I stole toilet paper from Starbucks bathrooms, Amex.
- A MetroCard: My mom kicked me off her Uber account.
- A Pencil Skirt: Not that it’s any of your business, Chase, but I am going on job interviews.
- Paper Towels: I’ve ruined all my socks, so I’ll use these as a last resort.
- Floss: Can you stop? Sure, I make jokes on Twitter about not flossing but my Twitter’s only 17% true.
- A Veggie Burger: I am a vegetarian. Yes, for a while I was buying Pepperoni pizza every night, but for my friend.
- Toothpaste: In the same vein as flossing.
- A $30 Charitable Donation to Planned Parenthood: I give money SOMETIMES, ok!?
Little Old Lady Comedy 