Here is a list of games my friend said “no” to when I was planning her bridal shower. Please help yourself to any of them if you are planning a shower for a cooler and more open-minded bride.
- Groom Socks. The bride is blindfolded and given a pile of worn men’s socks. She smells each of them and has to guess which one is her husband-to-be’s.
- What Will the Baby Look Like? Composite a picture of the bride and groom’s first child using cut up photographs of their faces. If you don’t have a panel of geneticists on hand to do the judging, you can utilize older family members familiar with far-reaching knowledge of family phenotypes
- Tear Bowl. A giant bowl is passed around and everyone fills it with their tears of envy. The bride drinks from the bowl and it gives her the strength needed to continue to be the center of attention
- Ring Pop Relay. Whoever sucks down the most ring pops in an hour wins. This is a slow burn of a game that involves a lot of slurping noises, but it gives everyone something to do while the bride opens up endless boxes of Tupperware
- Maid-to-Matron Makeover. The most seasoned matrons in attendance makeover the bride so that she will be easily admitted into the Order of Matronhood, which includes a subscription to Family Circle and Kohl’s card membership. This makeover can include, but is not limited to: a sensible bob haircut, a loose-fitting paisley blouses, Pandora charm bracelets
- Repeatedly Chanting “Everything Will Be Fine”. It’s all she really wants at this stage, anyway
- Magic: The Gathering. This game came out like, over 20 years ago and it still has a really strong following. It must be good!
- Tampon Tag. Similar to the rules of flag football, the objective of this game is to grab and snatch! An open field is best, though an abandoned warehouse will do if participants are shy about being pantless outdoors.
With any of these games, you’re sure to throw a bang-up, unbasic bridal shower that will show your friend Jessica’s bitch sister you were the right choice to go with as maid-of-honor. Have a blast!