I Have a Talking Dog and She’s a Needy Asshole

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I thought it would be cool to have a talking dog. It’s not. She basically says exactly what I expected her to say.

  1. Hey mom, looks like you’re working. How about you scratch my butt instead. What do you mean you want to pet my head? Fine, here’s my head, now to the butt in 3, 2, 1. Butt pets!!! BITCHES GET SCRATCHEEEES…on the butt.
  2. Go to the bathroom with me? You know I like to look at you while I poop. Yes, it’s raining. So? You’re going to lock me out?  I’ll just stare at you. Hate in my eyes, scratch marks on the door. NO. POOP.
  3. WALK!?!? YEEEEESSS OMG. Wait, one loop around the block? Really? You’re a lazy fuck. This is bullshit mom. You better be prepared to give me butt scratches.
  4. Mom. Mom. Mom. Are you working? Be the big spoon? We’re both on this full bed together, why don’t you want to cuddle? I don’t care if it isn’t comfortable. I’m not moving from my spot. I am just going to whine and be just out of petting reach.e. Hey, mom. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Pet me. Come over here and PET ME!
  5. Look, I brought you a ball. Do you see the ball? Do you see it? I found it. Pick it up. Pick it up. PICK UP THE BALL, MOM. Oh man, your hand is so gross now. Look at all that slobber and dirt. Throw it already! Huh, turns out I don’t want to play. Let’s do this again in about 23 and a half minutes.
  6. OMG, I’m so excited to see you!! OMG, it has been a whole hour since I’ve seen you. OMG, I’m so excited. Here, I’m going to pet you now. Right on your boob. What do you mean I can’t pet your boob? You’re sitting here and it’s paw level. What do you mean I have nails? You have nails too. Here I am, excited to see you and you don’t want my boob pets?! Fuck you, mom. I’ll try again tomorrow.
  7. I smell something on your breath. Let me give you a kiss. *SLUUURRP* Hmm.. your mouth tastes like tuna. Why are you gagging? If you throw up, stay close. I’m not following you to the bathroom.
  8. Make room for me on the couch. This squishy part seems like a good place to put most of my 75-pound body. Why are you screaming?  Your thighs make the perfect stepping stone. I think this couch is too small for both us. Take your fat thighs to the chair.
  9. Is it dinner time yet? Is It dinner time yet? How about now? Or now? FINALLY – DINNER!! I know it has been five minutes since you fed me, but I ate it all quickly – so do I get seconds? Please, mom. Can I have some more? I’m soooo hungry. Fuck you, mom. I hope my sad puppy dog eyes feel like daggers in your heart.
  10. Oh. My . GAAAWD. I get to sniff butts. I’m so excited!! Look at that butt over there. And another over there. This dog park is AWESOME! WOAH, that guy doesn’t have a tail, he’s got a little nub. I’m going to lick it. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. Just a little lick. Little nub. Little lick. Nope, it was not fine. We have to leave now. RIGHT NOW.

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