Sponsor Ad Copy For My Series of Failed Podcasts

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Squarespace

Hey listeners, hope you’re enjoying my twelve-part ghost story series with a simple explanation. My roommate’s boyfriend wrote the haunting music! But I’m gonna take a quick break to tell you that I’ve been looking for a way to showcase my other passion – writing short fantasy fiction. With Squarespace, today’s sponsor, you too can stare at a slowly blinking cursor on a variety of beautiful templates that are just dying to display that story about a hero’s quest to bring back a dragon’s gold or something – to be honest, I haven’t quite figured out the narrative yet. Use my offer code and start attempting to write today!

HelloFresh

Hey podcast nation, are you getting hungry while halfheartedly cleaning the bathroom and listening to my hot takes on celebrity culture? I feel you. I know that when Mom called to tell me that Wendy got engaged to that environmental lawyer, I decided that this time, I was going to eat my feelings with fresh, delicious meals – and I was just vulnerable enough to think I could actually do it! With HelloFresh, I received sustainably-packaged ingredients for delicious healthy meals that I totally meant to make. I mean, Jesus, I don’t even have knives, it’s not like I’ve ever gotten to register for anything. Use my exclusive code for the trial – just make sure you don’t forget to cancel and get charged anyway, proving that Mom’s right and you’re not responsible enough to plan the bridal shower.

ZipRecruiter

Hello hello to my listeners! Let’s take a breather from this awkwardly executed musical improv show to talk about ZipRecruiter! I was having a hard time finding the perfect candidate for the position that’s been open since my most attractive colleague left our suffocating insurance office to pursue his achievable dreams. But with ZipRecruiter, I received tens of resumes for middle-of-the-road candidates for the thankless paper-pushing job over which I have a slight amount of seniority. Use my offer code and you too can just shrug your shoulders and pick one while obsessively scanning Instagram photos of Eric and his sculpted calves leading bike tours of the Pacific Northwest. 

Casper

Hiya buddies, need to catch some z’s? If you’re like me, you spend your nights staring at a dark ceiling, endlessly replaying the most subtly embarrassing moments of your life. Sounds like you need a Casper mattress! Mine legit exploded out of this whimsically small box in an attempt at sustainability that honestly won’t make any difference in the long run. If after 90 nights you’re still on the verge of sleep deprivation-induced psychosis resulting from nonstop panic attacks, you can just send it back! Personally, I tried to stuff it back in that box and apparently a frickin’ wizard got it in there in the first place so I just kept it, but maybe you’ll have better luck than me. Or just sink back down into its squishy comfort and  listen to more of my science factoids. Use that offer code!

23andMe

Hey gang, are you curious about where you come from? Who you are? What the hell happened? Now you can attempt to blame genetics with 23andMe! Just spit into a test tube and let their scientists waste precious time and resources to tell you exactly what kind of white you are. I know my 23andMe results, while pointless in the grand scheme of things, will be the perfect “gotcha!” to my Kavanaugh-supporting aunt at her 60th birthday party, because I’m preeeeetty sure my family is 1.3% Puerto Rican. Oh man, it’s gonna blow her stupid mind, I can’t wait for my results! Pause my free-form political ramblings and sign up now to claim one small victory in this fucked-up world in which people like Aunt Linda are winning anyway.

Madison Reed

Let’s take a break from this podcast in which I tell you entertaining stories about beautiful white women being raped and murdered to talk about at-home hair color! Right now, using my code you can get 30 percent off a tube of mahogany goop that you’re certain will transform you into one of those sex witches from that VR game that your ex was always going on about while you were just trying to have a peaceful afternoon at the Container Store. I just followed the simple instructions, since that always works out so great for me, and voila! I was left with a head of hair that looks exactly the same because I forget to bleach it out first and who cares anyway, this isn’t going to bring Rob back.

TalkSpace

Hi friend, you there? I’m going to take a moment from intermittently making half-hearted nostalgic jokes about Full House to tell you about a really good app. It lets you text with a therapist. I’m into it. If you’re like me, you should probably try it too. 

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