Are you an expectant parent, but also, more importantly, a liberal?
Then, when it comes time to welcome your little bundle of joy into the world, it’s important that you’ve decided on the perfect name to let everyone know that you’re one of the good guys. Sure, our nation may have messed up big-time in 2016, but babies are the future. If you don’t want anyone to doubt which side you’re on, give ‘em a baby name straight out of the liberal agenda.
Here’s a list of baby names that let everyone around you know—you’re a liberal.
Euan, Owain, or any weird spelling of “Owen”
You’re not Welsh, but, heck, who’s fact-checking? Certainly not the Executive branch of the U.S Government. Enough of all this Donald B.S; the next great American leader will need a name that stands out in a crowd and doesn’t wear a toupee. The trick is to choose a common name and then manipulate all the letters until you’ve reached a point where every single bank teller ever will have to turn to your child and say, “sorry, can you spell that for me one more time?”
Nothing says, “I voted for Bernie and never meant for any of this to happen” quite like naming your first-born after a happy, bubbling little stream. Water is calming, relaxing, and not completely wiped out by pollution and global warming yet. Name your baby after your favorite body of water that will someday serve as a distant memory for the next generation. While you’re at it, why not move to Vermont? Or Canada, for that matter.
Bernie “Feel The Bern” Sanders Jr.
A bunch of the parenting books you skimmed over say to name your baby after someone you admire, and that’s exactly what you’ve decided to do. After all, imitation is the greatest compliment. Bernie “Feel The Bern” Sanders Jr. is going to be a voice for the American people, a beacon of hope. All you need now is to get your baby a used Toyota Prius and a spot on the 2020 ballot.
It’s Not My Fault!!!
Someday your youngster will be fighting for a jug of clean water in between taking shifts scooping hot trash out of what was once the Atlantic ocean, but you probably won’t be around to see it. Hell, maybe none of this was ever really about your baby anyways. At the end of the day, as you careen towards your inevitable death, and the collapse of the planet, you just need everyone to know one thing: if we’re going to point fingers here, this wasn’t your fault.
I’m voting for Elizabeth Warren in 2020
Let’s cut to the chase, we’re living in desperate times. If you really want people to know where you stand, and exactly the kind of child you plan on raising, you can’t be subtle. Nothing says, “I’m voting for Elizabeth Warren in 2020” quite like naming your child “I’m voting for Elizabeth Warren in 2020”. And you better believe you’ll find a way to get your newborn to vote for her, too.