Low-rise jeans are coming back, and no one is safe. Much to our general dismay, Generation Z (Zero) wants to capture the “trashy 2000s” mood with jeans that button at your knees. If we don’t stay vigilant, our ass cracks will be on display faster than we can say “Paris Hilton”. But before you curl up into a pit of despair, consider the concrete actions you personally can take to mitigate the threat of low-rise jeans.
Speak Out: When friends mention low-rise jeans, ask if they’re aware of the risks. Unbeknownst to many, the distance between your hip flexors and your bellybutton is actually 17 feet. We don’t know this because we’ve been wearing dignified high-waisted pants for years. Once people realize how threatening low-rise jeans are to our way of life, they’ll reconsider letting them return to the mainstream.
Stock Up: Who knows how much longer Levi’s wedgies will be available. Buy them in every available size and color – posterity will thank you. Economists estimate that by 2024, a pair of Gap leggings will be worth $532,400. (Note: This is more due to inflation than the low-rise jeans craze, but you get the idea).
The Power of the Purse: Our most valuable tool in fighting the proliferation of low-rise jeans is our pocketbooks. Don’t support brands that support low-rise jeans. If all your old favorite clothing stores start to carry low-rise jeans, simply buy all your clothes at CVS (it’s surprisingly stylish if you like the ‘cardboard’ variety of fabric). Use your wallets wisely while you still have pants that can actually fit a wallet in them.
Have a Back-Up Plan: Specifically, sweater dresses. They’ll provide all the coverage you need for safely sitting down in chairs.
Tattoo Your Existing Jeans On: The pressure to wear low-rise jeans will be intense, so the safest option is to make it impossible to remove your high-waisted pants. Full-body tattoos only last until you die and disintegrate, unlike the picture of you in low-rise jeans, which Facebook will store forever.
Make Professional Adjustments: Find a job with a costume, such as a character at Disney World or Tucker Carlson.
Butt-Proof Your Home: Low-rise jeans will return whether we like it or not, and your home needs to be ready. Gone are the days of stools or chairs without a solid back. If you’re sitting down, you need full coverage for the areas low-rise jeans will leave vulnerable. Also consider getting blackout windows to use 24/7 — the last thing you need is your neighbors spying your crack in a moment of weakness.
Reconsider Your Decision to Have Kids: Who knows what type of world we’re bringing them into. We thought low-rise jeans were gone for good by 2004, and yet, here we are. Also, global warming. Also, Trump.
Prepare Your Family: If you’ve already made the terrible mistake of having children, they need to know what’s in store. Make sure they understand that there are other options to wearing low-rise jeans (being homeschooled so that they can wear pajama pants forever). Fortunately, if you have daughters who are still in diapers, you might be able to seamlessly switch them to low-rise jeans before they get accustomed to not having their butts exposed to the world. Remember – shame only started with Eve, and it can be undone if we just “regurgitate the apple” (proudly own our ass cracks).
Take Civic Action: Call your Congressperson. Ask them to oppose Trump’s border wall. Vote for women candidates. Recycle. Donate to the DNC. None of this will do anything to stop low-rise jeans, but we as a nation have much more pressing issues.
Invest in Bitcoin: By 2040, it’s possible that it will be the only valid currency for purchasing pants that cover the entirety of your ass.
Get a Bunker: Store your beautiful high-waisted pants in there, where they’re safe until the threat has passed. Come hell or high-waists, you can count on a bomb shelter to keep your pants intact.
Count Your Blessings: Oh, wait, bootcut jeans are also coming back. There are no blessings.