How To Simultaneously Sext And Watch “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”

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As a millennial with few worldly possessions and an extremely small NYC apartment, I’ve been a fan of Marie Kondo for years. Now that the delightful, tiny ball of pure untarnished light otherwise known as Marie is on Netflix, it’s time to binge. But I’m a busy woman. I need to multitask. So naturally, when I am sent a very aggressive penis picture with the caption “happy late holidays!” I get down to business. Here are some tips for sparking joy with sexting.
  1. Respond in a timely and curteous fashion. You are allowed 4-6 minutes in between each sext. This is just enough time to practice folding your underwear into a perfect little tent after you’ve snapped a cute pic and said “remember these, zaddy?”
  2. Don’t get too distracted by how every husband on the show is a disgusting excuse for a human being. Yes, the facts are blatant, Marie is light and life; men are trash. But not this man that you’re sexting. He’s good, he just has a lot of tee shirts from hot topic. Imagine piling the tee shirts on the bed, methodically burning them, and fucking him on the ashes. Rick and Morty are dead to you.
  3. It might be kind of weird and difficult to sext during the dead husband episode. You will be crying. But then, when he asks how wet you are and you respond “so wet, baby” you’re being very earnest.
  4. Say “I want you to tap me just like Marie taps the books.” Wait no, don’t say that. Just say “mmmmm and then what?”
  5. When he tells you he came, tell him that you did too! Came to a sense of enlightenment, that is! It was more of a spiritual coming. Be glad that you don’t share a living space with this monster and his various copies of Infinite Jest/graveyard of Irish Spring bottles.

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